hsphaven

In the aftermath of that night I overdosed, I’ve been hiding away as I deal with the wreckage. It’s been a few months and I still have a tremor and heart issues. My heart literally aches and it races when I change position. I’m also not able to sleep on my right side as I hear and feel the pulse in my right ear pounding. All I want in this life is to feel comfortable in my body, and if I could take back what I did I would. Sometimes I wish it had of killed me. I have suffered enough.

I have tried a few different things to heal. I had a reiki session, but I’m not sure if it helped or made things worse. I felt self-conscious lying on the table and, while I couldn’t articulate it at the time, I was uncomfortable having a stranger in my space putting their hands on me. The only positive change I noticed was that I was able to clear the dining table the next day, though I have not been able to maintain the momentum. The therapist introduced me to Ho’oponopono, which I played for several days until I gave up as it all just felt futile.

One of the most healing things I have done the past few weeks has been finding my old toy clowns I carried everywhere with me when I was two on Ebay. I got the idea from someone in an online group for daughters of narcissistic mothers. This member was talking about how her mother threw away a toy she loved, but then she found it online. The clowns are considered vintage now, which is a bit of an insult given I’m only 31.

Maybe it is a coincidence, but I have not had any nightmares since I got my clowns back. In one dream, I actually dreamt the clowns sent away the nightmares with their tricks. Sleep is my only reprieve from my physical ailments now.

The second most healing thing has been discovering a musician called Valveuni on YouTube. Mushroom Song and Alien are my new favourite songs. Mushroom Song reminds me of the night I slept in the park with a friend. We had to set up our tents somewhere secret as camping is not allowed in the park. I didn’t get any sleep as the ground was hard, it was cold being the middle of winter, and my friend snored. I have also completely reversed my sleep cycle, falling asleep around sunrise and getting up at sunset. Just as I was starting to get tired, my friend woke me as his tent zip was stuck. We then decided to go home. We left one tent there, the cheap tent from Kmart which I wouldn’t miss if someone found it. We have since gone back and set up an air mattress. I have been meaning to spend another night there, but it has been too wet. The park actually flooded recently, and I would have got stranded had I of camped that night. Another night a dog at one of the nearby houses wouldn’t stop yapping, so I decided not to camp that night either.

I have been dissociating a fair bit recently. I feel detached from the world around me, like it is all a dream. I don’t feel alive. It is a hard feeling to describe, but Courtney has uploaded a great video about it to YouTube, and Lunatic Soul sings about this feeling in Suspended In Whiteness. I felt it after I had the reiki, and I felt it again today when I went out with my mum. I had not seen my mum for a few weeks as she was pressuring me to speak to the area mental health service. I’m not sure if that was why I started dissociating, or whether it is actually the marijuana/CBD oil I’ve been taking twice a day for several days now hoping it will help with my pain. I suspect it may be the marijuana oil as other brands have made me dissociate in the past. Unfortunately I am still able to feel my pain.

I was given an appointment with a neurologist who specialises in traumatic brain injuries. Apparently overdoses can cause a traumatic brain injury. According to nichd.nih.gov, some symptoms of a traumatic brain injury are headaches, tinnitus, a change in sleep habits, behavior or mood changes, trouble with memory and concentration, and sensitivity to light or sound. Many of these symptoms overlap with ADD and autism. I wonder whether I already had a traumatic brain injury, and now have another one from the last overdose. I have started questioning my autism diagnosis as most of my symptoms, such as my sound sensitivity and social withdrawal, developed as I got older. When I was fourteen I sat next to a girl who was autistic in maths class. One day I waited for her after class. She blew up and yelled at me to go away. “Sorry,” I said, and I left. At the time I didn’t understand what she was going through, but I now realise she was hanging in there all through class for some space to herself…. some space to breathe. She had no spoons left and did not want company. I am now just like her. I cannot hack much contact. I tried to go out with some friends the other week. I am so unwell and it was hard enough making an appearance. After sitting in a noisy restaurant we then went back to my car and chatted. I tried to tell them I had to go, but they kept on talking and the trains kept on going past. I was having a meltdown and I finally snapped, telling them I was exhausted. I felt rude but I was completely depleted and just needed to be alone. That night another friend sent me a question mark as I hadn’t answered her last message. I was very annoyed by this point, especially as I have told her that following up her messages with a question mark makes me feel overwhelmed and pressured into responding, which I can’t as I am really unwell. It isn’t a very nice thing to send anyone, but especially someone with chronic health issues. I need people to be a bit more thoughtful.

One of my friends has been losing his wallet, cards and phone, which I recognise as symptoms of stress. This is something that frequently happens to me. I got a message from a customer the other week saying he got the envelope I sent him with the free stickers, but not the bracelet he ordered. I’ve been making bracelets and then having to undo them all as I left out a bead. Then just the other day I left $20 in the self-service check out machine. Thankfully I got it back as a staff member saw I had left it behind. I don’t know how much stress a person can take before their mind shuts down or breaks.

I don’t really have a lot else to say. There are no words for the level of distress and despair I feel. I worry the overdose has permanently damaged my heart and nervous system. I don’t want to be in pain for the rest of my life. As a friend observed, there isn’t any follow up care when we overdose, unlike when someone dislocates their knee. That night, I didn’t really think about the state I’d be left in if I were to survive the overdose. I am relapsing with my shopping addiction, buying lots of craft supplies and more clothes. Other times it all feels pointless; I want to just lie down next to my clowns and die. As Emilie Autumn sings in What Will I Remember, when the body suffers, when to breathe is pain, is it really madness to think of breaking this chain?