hsphaven

I am now content with just surviving life rather than living it. I still have a tremor, pain and heart issues from the overdose. Each day I try my best to distract myself from these issues and ward off the sadness and despair I feel. I am grateful that I am not as jittery when I sit or lie down. Some of my coping mechanisms, such as shopping, are not really sustainable, but they are getting me through the day. I spend my days finding unusual clothes on Facebook Marketplace and depop and putting together outfits. Here are some of the things I’m about to buy.

I’ve been going to a few support groups. I went to a support group for depression a few weeks ago and really related to the others there. We spoke of how messy our houses are and how we will clean it up a bit before the cleaner comes as we are so embarrassed. The other night I managed to clean up the dining room, and now we have space to walk. Today our neighbour knocked on the door as my dad is helping them clean their house. It was the first time I’d met the lady. I didn’t really want her to see the state of our house, but turns out they have a bit of a hoarding problem as well. It sounds like I have a lot in common with the lady’s daughter who is also vegan. My dad told me he wanted to be a father to her as she didn’t have a father growing up. I had a moment of sonder where I realised that the people around me have a life as complex as my own. I began to realise that the kindred spirits I’ve been looking for may be right next door to me.

I haven’t done any more cleaning since, except for my toilet, which was well overdue for a clean. It’s hard for me to keep up the momentum. I’m a bit all-or-nothing; I get a lot done in one night and then can’t do anything for ages. I feel like I’m drowning: I managed to reach the surface and then I am knocked under again. I’m not sure what inspired the clean the other night. My dad asked whether it had anything to do with my friend. I’ve been having him over to my house, and that night I brought him to badminton. His presence was like magic; I played really well, and even had energy left to clean the house. My friend suffers with depression as well but we lift each other up.

I don’t really have a great deal more I want to say in this post. On reflection I’ve been doing a bit better, cleaning and even managing to cook dinner some nights. I had a rough night two nights ago, though, where I kept confronting something I can only describe as evil just as I was drifting off. I would then jolt awake again. It is a little hard to describe. I remember a lady appearing briefly but I’m not quite sure who she was. Thankfully it didn’t happen again last night. I think I was just really stressed as I had a lot on the next day. I had to get up early to see a cardiologist, which was a stressful visit as I had to lift my top up so the nurse could put stickers on me for an ECG. She touched my boobs and I felt super uncomfortable. “Nice to meet you,” she said when we finished. “You too,” I lied. I sat in the waiting room and felt very out of place; I was too young to be having heart issues. I was going to see a few other people that day and I didn’t want to burn myself out. Thankfully I didn’t end up meeting with them, and spent some time alone in the park which helped me recharge. It was a sunny winter’s day, and I’m glad I didn’t sleep all day like I usually do.