hsphaven

I’m having a very up and down week. I went to visit one of my closest friends who I haven’t seen for about half a year. She’s had a baby, who must be about one years old now, and I am his god mother. When I left her house I felt really shit about myself. This was because I’m realising I’m just terrible with kids. I don’t know how to act around them. I don’t know how to speak to them, and I know if I attempt to put on that high pitch, cooing voice they will tell it’s forced and “off”. Being left alone with the baby was like being sentenced to hell. My friend put the baby in my lap and commented I just sat there awkwardly holding him. Then there was one point where she left us alone in the house while she put away the pram. It was the longest few minutes of my life. I just sat at the table while the baby sat on the floor and we smiled at each other until I pulled away. I was useless at reading what the baby needed, not noticing that he was hot and wanted his coat off. Playing with the baby felt just as unnatural. When my friend returned the baby charged towards her screaming. I think he was just as keen for our awkward interaction to end as I was.

As a female, there is a lot of pressure from society to love kids and know what to do with them, and people think I’m coldhearted if I don’t. My friend asked me if this was why I hadn’t seen her for so long. She said I was meant to be his god mother yet I didn’t act like it. When I left my head hung low. I told them he must think I’m “the boringest person in the world”. My mum had invited me over for dinner and I still went, but I felt so down I didn’t stay long. When I got home I opened Google and searched “I am not good with kids”. I desperately needed to know I was not alone in this. I found a whole lot of autistic people on Reddit discuss this. I had wondered if it was related to my autism. I find autistic people tend to fall into one of two camps- they relate well with kids, or terribly. The ones who related well said that it’s because kids don’t know the social rules yet either, so you can be as weird as you want around them and they’ll probably like it. One poster wrote that “if you “fun” stim at a kid there’s a solid chance they’ll start doing it back and think you’re so much more fun than other adults lol.” Another poster said they “personally find young children easier to communicate with as they are more logical than any adult is. They don’t care if you are pretty, wear the right clothes or give them eye contact. They just like it when people pay attention to them and play with them. They only don’t like people if they twig that either the person has ill intentions or cannot be bothered to acknowledge them. More NT adults could take a leaf from this book.” The others said it’s more difficult with kids because as autistics we rely heavily on our social scripts, and with kids it all goes out the window. You can’t predict what they’re going to say or how they’re going to act.

“I remember as a teenager being handed a baby, and I was trying to figure out what to do with my face and how to interact with a baby,” one poster wrote. “Then the baby appropriately cried, hahaha.”

Many others shared they feel extremely uncomfortable around kids.

“I feel very much the same way that you do,” wrote one autistic. “In fact, I feel downright uncomfortable around babies and small children…and there’s nothing that I dread more than the thought of the mother of a baby asking me to hold her infant for her! Like you, I can view kids from a distance and consider them cute or adorable or whatever; but as for actually interacting with them…that’s a hard no. And babysitting is out of the question.”

I felt so much better knowing there are others out there who feel the same, and I now conclude it is just part of my autism.

Later that day, I blocked a bunch of people on Fet Life and almost deleted my account altogether. If you’ve read some of my earlier posts you may know that for a while I identified as an adult baby. Someone on an adult baby forum recommended Fet Life for meeting other adult babies. I fucking hate that person. They have put me through hell. The site is absolutely disgusting, and triggers me whenever I go on it. It has gross advertisements, and when I first joined I had straight men with penises as profile pictures messaging me, asking for photographs, and telling me they wanted to move to Australia because of me, even after I changed my orientation to lesbian and said on my profile “NO DICK PICS”. I had to change the privacy settings so that only “friends” could message me. I started getting to know two people on there, but the more I shared about my mental health, the less interested they got. In the end they both ghosted me. I’ve realised no one on there cares about me. They are not interested in looking after me emotionally, which is what I crave the most. I am just some kind of kink toy for them. So, the other night I blocked the woman I was speaking with. Not that she gives a damn… I noticed she had already unfriended me. I don’t think I’ll bother with Fet Life any more. I am on the asexual spectrum and it just confirmed how different I am.

That night I had a nightmare that my mum died. It was one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. I felt awful that I had left her house in a hurry rather than spending more time with her. I suspect the dream about my mum was related to everything that day- my friend’s baby, the pressure to be a mum, my search for a parent on Fet Life- though I don’t fully understand how yet. I am becoming more and more grateful though for the things I do have in life right now, such as a mother who’s still alive (even though we have our issues), a car, food etc. And this is helping my mental health. I want to spend my life helping the people I love while they are still around. Today when I went out with my disability worker I had a nice meal at a café. I bought an extra one and dropped it at my mum’s.

This past week I have hit an all time low with my shopping addiction. I am spending crazy amounts of money on clothes and accessories. I mostly buy these online. My spending is something I feel embarrassed about. Soon all my purchases are going to start arriving at the door and I’m sure the postie knows me by now. Sometimes I hope they just think I run a business. Shopping addiction is a very real, serious problem. I am part of a support group for it and many members have several other addictions, including drugs. They all say their shopping addiction is just as bad, or even worse than their other addictions. It destroys their bank accounts and it destroys their marriage. Many do not stop even when they can’t afford it anymore. They then start stealing money off their partner or parents. Whenever I’m bored, or stressed, which I am pretty much all the time, I start shopping. Shopping has been distracting me from the physical discomfort I’m in from my overdose. I’m glad I have something at least, but I don’t know how sustainable this is. I don’t have space for everything; I have already filled two chest of drawers, two wardrobes, and also my sister’s old wardrobe. I keep telling myself this will be the last purchase, but it never ends.

I seem to be a bit edgy right now. I can’t sleep at night so have been cleaning the house. The other night I looked up and saw a tall, shadowy figure standing in the kitchen. I jumped, thinking I had woken my dad and he was standing there about to hit me. I then realised it was just the fridge. Tonight I decided I just needed to spend some time away from the house, computer and all other stimulation. I have always been a very “wired” person. I think my nervous system is fried and it’s been doing some weird things. I’ve been getting tingles in the same spot in my leg, which started when I was taking marijuana oil. Then today when I went to Officeworks I started getting spasms. My tremor has been bad today as well. I don’t know if it’s all the radiation in the air, or whether I’m getting manic again (psychosis, a tremor and spending all your money can all be part of mania). So tonight I sensed I needed to go back to the tent my friend and I left in the park to switch off from everything. I drove to the park and started walking. It was dark and originally I was the only one there, but then another car rocked up. I was terrified, and didn’t know whether to run further into the park or go back to my car and leave. I decided to go back to my car. I then saw a man standing with the boot of what looked like my car open. “Hello?” I said. I then saw two dogs in the back of the car and realised it wasn’t my car, he had just parked next to me. “Hi,” said the man. He didn’t seem like an axe murderer. I still got in my car and left. I got home, but regretted leaving, so drove back. I didn’t see the man again. I walked to the tent and, after getting rid of a spider, lay there doing nothing. It was so peaceful. I texted my friend, who I camped with here. My other friend said we’re like Mickey and Mallory from Born Killers after I told her we want to get drugs and shoot ourselves. The two characters come from troubled families and end up getting together and going on killing sprees. Me and my friend get up to all kinds of shit, from illegally camping, sitting by the train tracks at night throwing chips at the train and riding a mini skateboard outside Kmart at midnight, setting the alarms off, to planning our suicide. But I think we are more like Jessie and Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia. We carried tents and blankets deep into the park and created a place that only we know.