I am trapped. Trapped with people I don’t want to be around. Trapped in a body that torments me. Trapped in a life I don’t want. Trapped in a world that I don’t belong in. Trapped in a mental health system which only makes me worse. I’m being driven to desperate measures. “Give me some fucking heroine,” I posted to social media this evening. “Give me a fucking gun. Shoot me in the fucking head and make sure I die.”

I’ve been discharged from hospital and suicide is still on my fucking mind. I’ve been planning to get my hands on some heroine soon. In the meantime, I was going to stay in bed and knock myself out with pills.

If it’s not enough to feel trapped in my waking life, the feeling haunts me in my sleep as well. This evening I fell asleep for two and a half hours without even taking anything. I was not able to wake up. Sleep did not bring me relief like I was hoping. Instead I found myself in a horrible place which was, arguably, even worse than my life, and I could not wake up. I couldn’t believe it but I had even become trapped in a dream now. Trapped inside my own subconscious mind. It’s something that tends to happen when I am extremely suicidal, as though something is trying to make me feel grateful for my life because it could always be worse. In this dream I was on holiday at the beach. I was on my own. It was night time and I was in bed, but I could hear noises outside. I felt like someone was trying to break into my house. I pulled out my phone, an old flip phone, and tried to call for help, but I wasn’t able to. I then went outside and I found my mum, though she seemed different. “Am I dead?” I asked her. She said I was. I tried to “wake up” but my old life was slipping away from me. There was some kind of military regime taking over the place. There was a bunch of female soldiers wearing black. I joined all the people in another house. Some women were wearing beautiful lime green Brazillian dresses. I didn’t know who they were but they seemed to hold some kind of status in this female cult, or whatever the fuck it was. They wanted to dress me in green as well. There were kids here who didn’t want to be part of this strange gathering as well. I ended up running away and hid in someone’s yard. I then met a young girl, who lived in the house. The kids seemed to see who I was and how I was lost in space and time. She fed me some chickpea rolls, like the ones my mum made. It was like the magic wand which sent me back to my life. I wasn’t sure for a while where I had left my body, but then woke up in my familiar bed, relieved to be back.