On Sunday and Monday I felt the most crushing depression. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t enjoy anything. There was absolutely nothing I looked forward to. On Sunday night I went to bed early with pills but then woke up again after a bad dream, which I’ve been having a lot of lately. It took me a while to get back to sleep. I woke up at 9am the next day which was extremely early for me. I woke up feeling like my legs were vibrating, as though I was lying next to a generator. It was a distressing feeling and I didn’t know if the vibration was coming from inside of me or outside of me. It reminded me of the mysterious Hum a friend told me about, a noise which torments a small percentage of the population and drives some people to suicide. Yet instead of hearing the noise, I felt it. My life started to feel like a test to see how much pain, suffering, torture, and distress one person can take before they finally die. I felt I had nothing to live for but more misery and very much wanted to make another suicide attempt.

I cancelled with my disability worker on Monday and managed to get some sleep. I slept until 3pm. I continued to feel horrendous all day and didn’t go to badminton that night, something which is usually the highlight of my week. I am usually all out of sorts when I leave hospital. I was sad as the cops, nurses and doctors were actually good to me this time round, but I will probably never see them again. I never thanked the cop for helping me that night, I just screamed and threw things. Anyway, I figured I probably needed to detox from the suicide attempt and being in hospital. I also had the flu, which also tends to aggravate the nervous system and cause bad dreams. There was so much happening all at once I couldn’t really pull it all apart and figure out what exactly was causing my distressing symptoms. On top of everything else, I got my period Monday night. That, I thought, explained a lot. I find my period worsens my pre-existing mental health issues. Whenever I end up in hospital it’s always around that time. IAPMD talks about PME (Premenstral Exacerbation) and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), two nightmare conditions which some people with a uterus have to deal with. They are absolutely no joke, you are completely out of control and at the mercy of your hormones. Last night I started to get bad pain as well, so I took some strong painkillers containing codeine. I find the codeine helps me feel better overall. I fell asleep, and slept all night. I heard some noises from the neighbour this morning so shut the sliding glass door to my bed box (a cocoon my dad built around my bed to block noise) and then dozed the rest of the day. I finally managed to get some rest after being in a chronically agitated state for years. My mum gave me some lemon balm tea which I’ve started drinking throughout the day, as well as chamomile tea. I think these are helping a bit. I’m also trying not to drink chai during the evening as it contains caffeine. I have resumed my supplement regime, particularly iron and B12, and the pounding in my ear doesn’t seem to be as bad. It is still early days, but I have started to notice a difference and really hope it will continue to improve.

I got up at 6:30pm today and turned on my phone. I had asked my disability worker if he could drive my friend and me to the beach to check out some camp sites. My soul longs to be by the sea and I was devastated to lose the beach house I wrote about previously. But I was shocked by my worker’s reply. He said he wouldn’t help as I had mentioned to him my friend and I wanted to kill ourselves in a tent.

“What???” I wrote back. “Omg no, we’re not going there to kill ourselves!!! Why would we bother going all the way to Balnarring when we can kill ourselves at a park near here which is way easier and also more private than the Balnarring camp sites.

I trusted you when I shared our suicide plans. It feels like it’s now being used against us. Kevin is still homeless and we are just trying to do something nice to improve our miserable lives. Forget it, I’ll get someone else to take us. And I don’t want to see you tomorrow”

I’m not sure I will sleep tonight given I slept all day and then had this fight with my disability worker. The calm I felt earlier was just the calm before the storm it seems, a once in a blue moon feeling. At least I have something nice planned to do instead tomorrow. I will be playing mini golf with my dad and my friend. I missed Father’s Day as I was in hospital. I asked my dad what he wanted to do for a belated Father’s Day, and he said he’d like another game of minigolf. So I will be shouting us all to mini golf tomorrow. My friend is keen for a rematch after I bet him last time.