This thing in me has taken hold. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it’s happening. But it’s there, and it doesn’t want to let me go. I’ve started starving myself and made myself so unwell in the course of only a few days. Yesterday I could barely get out of bed. I had a headache, was weak, felt breathless, nauseous and wasn’t sure if I was hot or cold. I was depressed as fuck and had to cancel everything I had on that day, barely able to reach my phone. I called Nurse on Call last night and she called an ambulance to get me checked out. My physical symptoms got better once the ambulance arrived and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. I felt like I was just wasting their time and being an attention seeker. But they still brought me to the hospital as they were concerned about my mental state. I arrived at hospital around 3:30am. The time passed so slowly. I barely got any sleep and felt even sicker there as I lay there listening to some overly enthusiastic woman yab on about her cats and her partner. I got up and tried to find an exit but one of the nurses stopped me. Finally cat lady shut up and I was given a tablet of diazepam which helped me get a bit of rest. I was then seen by a person from the psych team at 8am and was sent home with nothing. I have had to do the leg work myself. Last night I called Butterfly Foundation and today they got back to me with some services. I’m still left with this demonic voice inside of me telling me to starve myself and lose weight, even though I am already skinny. I have lost several kilograms in days without even exercising much. I went straight back to bed when I got home and when I woke up I just cried, the best I’m able to these days anyway. These hospitals and their psych team have a way of making me feel even shitter.

I have a holiday booked for tomorrow. Even though it is just somewhere local, it’s all too much. I can’t even get dressed these days. My depression is eating me alive. I just want it all to be over. I want to die.

I love this song by ElysianSoul called “Sugar & Ice“. This is exactly what it’s like. I don’t know if I will be able to pull myself out of this. I’m still eating a tiny bit, though only food with low calories like cabbage. I asked my mum to drop off some raison bread today. I was going to try and eat a piece, but I know I will just want to exercise and burn it off immediately afterwards. This is just the beginning, and I hate to think what else is ahead of me. Maybe it will just be a short, acute form of self-injury. Or maybe it is the beginning of a long, dark road which I can’t get off.