If you’ve read my last posts, you’d know that life is beating me to the ground right now. I’ve been in hospital three times the past week, and the distress I’ve felt this week has been some of the worst distress I’ve felt in my entire life. I am now on an NDIS-funded respite, which is meant to give me some space and time out from everything.

Today I just kind of crashed. I’ve been so worn out, and have spent most of the day in bed with my phone off and the curtains drawn. I just wanted to be left alone. Then about an hour ago, as the sun began to set, someone started banging on my door. I didn’t know who is was and it scared me. I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and saw through the stained glass window that it was my mum. I opened the door. I was a bit shocked to see her.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” I said to her. “I didn’t know who was at the door and it scared me. I need notice before you come.”

“I’ve been trying to call you all afternoon and you wouldn’t answer!” she told me.

“I’ve been resting in bed,” I said to her.

She then went on about how I shouldn’t be in bed at this hour, something she is always criticising me for.

“I’ve just made you dinner, chai and chocolate slice,” she told me. “You’re welcome!”

She accused me of being an ungrateful bitch.

She then came in, and told me to eat it now and drink the chai so she could take the empty flask back. I was in an extremely fragile way, I had no spoons left and couldn’t hack company. I declined, and asked if I could return the flask later.

“Obviously I’m not wanted and you don’t appreciate my meals!” she snapped at me, and she stormed out. I feel like I’m drowning in the ocean and had just managed to make it to the surface today to catch a breath but then was pounded by another massive wave. I understand why my sister doesn’t talk to my mum, and doesn’t want her to know where she lives now.

Food is nice, but I want a mum who nourishes me emotionally not just materially. I want a mum who understands me. I want a mum who respects me. I want a mum who doesn’t impose on my space. I want a mum who doesn’t make it all about her when it’s meant to be about me. I want a mum who will let me be my own person. I want a mum who doesn’t criticise and judge me all the time. I want a mum who I’m not scared of. I want a mum who doesn’t try to change me. I want a mum who will just hold me and empathise with me rather than give advice. I want a mum who doesn’t make me feel like shit about myself.

I was just really taken aback by the whole encounter. Apparently we had made plans yesterday that my mum would cook me dinner tonight as I don’t have any cooking facilities here. I have been in so much distress that I forgot. I still feel very yuck to be blasted by her anger when I am already struggling so much and was just trying to take care of myself. She could have texted me to confirm dinner. Not being allowed space is a huge trigger for me. Another “friend” of mine has been harassing me. When I don’t answer her text messages, even after a day, she often follows up her messages with question marks or “hello?”. I have let her know I suffer chronic health issues and this is upsetting and makes me feel pressured into responding, but she has not stopped. Even when I am not sick I am someone who just likes my own company, and that is ok. This friend then started calling me, and then reactivated her Facebook just so she could harass me, going on about the texts she’d sent. I have been avoiding responding as I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this shit, but I think I will end up telling her that I don’t think this friendship is working, that we can’t give each other what we need and I’m wondering if it’s best if we part ways. I am in a very bad way and am on respite right now. This is meant to be time for myself and people are not showing any consideration for me. It’s not fair. I need the world to back off for a while.

Today the power has been out in the area and the neighbour is running two generators. It’s very noisy. I have still been able to get some sleep, but it hasn’t been easy.

I texted my mum after she left today.

“I do appreciate the meals. I’m just not feeling up for company today. It’s been a hellish week and I’m worn out and just want to be alone. I will make sure to clean the flask and return it to you.”

I have not heard back.