I have to pick my brain apart to remember the last few weeks. All I know is that they have been absolute hell. My sleep, as usual, is messed up. I remember one night sitting up all night bombing my poor GP’s inbox with angry emails. I must have sent her at least twenty emails that night. It was as though a lid had been lifted in me and it was all coming out. I was still going at 8am. The buzzing sensation on my head, which I first noticed when I was given Effexor many years ago, was tormenting me. I told her that if I was still awake at 9am I would be going to the hairdressers to shave my head. I had a few pictures of partially shaved hair cuts saved on my phone to show the hairdressers. I was thinking they could just shave the part where the buzzing is and make it look edgy and trendy. Unfortunately, though, I’m not sure I’d look that great without a fringe because my forehead is big. I told my GP that this makes sense as I’m really an alien. I’m not sure what she made of it all.

Well, I still have my long hair. My hyperfixation has moved on to another issue of mine, my tremor. Ever since my overdose earlier in the year I’ve had a tremor in my hands and legs. I’m only 31 and feel like a frail old lady, or like I’ve drunk too much coffee. It is worse when I am anxious. I saw a neurologist and he referred me for a brain MRI and also suggested I take a beta blocker called propranolol. Propranolol is prescribed for high blood pressure (which I don’t have) and heart issues, and is also meant to help with tremors and the physical symptoms of anxiety. I’ve been reluctant to take another medication as a lot of my problems were caused by drugs, but today I was so desperate for relief I took one. Unfortunately it doesn’t work straight away. It takes several weeks to work (if it even does) and if you don’t want to take it anymore you have to wean yourself off it or else you can get withdrawals. This was the second neurologist I have seen. The first neurologist told me my symptoms were all in my head and a part of my schizophrenia, and there was no need to have a brain scan. I’m glad the second neurologist took me seriously. I’m working up the courage to get the MRI, which will not be easy for me as I am claustrophobic, extremely sensitive to noise and scared of the electromagnetic fields. But I want to see what a lifetime of trauma has done to my brain.

Often I have an existential crisis when I’m falling asleep. I feel like I’m dying. I’m taken into the darkest corners of my mind and these places feel incredibly scary. I feel a dark presence. I was writing about this in my last post as well where I became trapped in a dream. My own home feels dark, like the creative filters I use on photographs to turn them black and white. It reminds me of The Upside Down World in Stranger Things. This has been happening quite a bit. I also figured out that the magnesium glycinate I was taking was making all this worse and giving me some very weird dreams. I remembered a product I bought from the health food store which also gave me weird dreams. I checked the ingredients list and turns out it was also magnesium glycinate. I stopped taking the magnesium glycinate in the evening and this has helped a lot. I have always had strange reactions to things, where supplements or drugs which are meant to relax me and improve my sleep do the opposite.

My nervous system seems to be very unsettled this week. I feel so much distress being in my body, and I’m not sure why my tremor is so bad. I can’t think of anything I’m especially worried about, though the other day I had the fright of my life. It was two in the afternoon and I was still asleep until I heard someone knocking on the front door and ringing the door bell. I assumed it was the postman. I couldn’t get up to answer it. I fell back to sleep but then was woken again by someone at the door, and then a third and forth time. I was starting to freak out a little (am reminded of the song ‘Who Can It Be Now?‘ by Men At Work). I finally got up and peaked through the windows. That is when I saw an old, blue station wagon parked in my driveway. There was a silver sunshade across the windscreen and I also saw a man there. I didn’t know who the hell he was and I was home alone. I called my dad but he didn’t answer. I then called my mum, who said she’d come over. There has been a lot of break ins in the area and I was so scared that I even called the police. Due to my face blindness I couldn’t describe what the car or the man looked like. Shortly I heard back from my dad and he said something about his friend and a hot water system repairer. I was so annoyed he didn’t let me know earlier. I called 000 again and told them there was no emergency anymore. I felt like an idiot. I ended up going out with my mum. She said my dad’s friend is a “crackpot”.

I have been incredibly irritable as I feel so shit all the time. When I’m this distressed I disappear on my friends. I just want to be alone, and hate having to be around my dad, who I live with. I have social anxiety, even around people I’ve known my entire life. One evening I was in the kitchen making dinner and he wanted to make dinner at the same time. I asked him if he could just leave me the kitchen but he didn’t. I just about screamed at him to go away.

I don’t know what is wrong with me physically, but I’ve been getting abdominal pain, even though I am not expecting my period. Yesterday I was out with my disability worker buying more clothes to try and feel better. I didn’t feel right. My muscles felt weak, and when I came home I felt dreadful. I had developed a migraine, which is a bad headache which also makes you nauseous. My jaw and teeth ached as well. I took some painkillers and went to bed early with a hot water bottle as I was cold. The pain went away but I still couldn’t sleep so I took some sleeping pills as well. It still took me ages to fall asleep. Then when I woke up today the headache was back. I also felt breathless and nauseous again. Our gardener came over in the afternoon and was making lots of noise with a blower/machinery. It was even getting to my dad, who isn’t sensitive to noise. He asked the gardener to stop just before I completely lost it.

I’m hoping I will be up to seeing friends again soon and that the propranolol helps, or at the very least doesn’t make me worse like other medications have. I will try to spend time in nature where I feel most comfortable. This evening I went swimming in the lake. It was lovely as I had the whole park to myself (everyone was busy trick or treating) and the water wasn’t too cold. I also find those big round swings which more and more parks have help calm my nervous system as well. I’ve reached a point where I would be grateful just to survive life and not feel distressed all the time, let alone enjoy life.