Yesterday my anxiety escalated into a full blown panic attack. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this level of anxiety.

I was scared shitless. I was scared of just about everyone. I was scared of my dad coming home. I was scared of sleeping. It reminded me of the time I was put on a compulsory hospital order and had police hunting me.

I ended up taking off into the bush with what diazepam I had left and a tshirt and shorts to change into. I was wearing nothing but my dressing gown over my underwear. I’m lucky I didn’t have an accident on the way there. I was dissociating, weak and barely able to feel the car pedals. I felt trapped, suffocated and furious when the traffic banked up at one point.

When I got to the park I parked as far away from most people as I could get. I needed silence and privacy but I was next to some cunt who just sat in their car in the corner with the engine running. What is wrong with people? I couldn’t stand the noise. I was overwhelmed, paranoid as fuck (A Day To Remember has done a great music video on what it’s like to feel this level of paranoia) and felt like they were watching me, that everyone was watching me. I took two tablets of diazepam and changed into my shorts and tshirt in the toilet block. When I came back another person arrived and parked right next to me.

“Of all spots, why do you have to park next to me?” I thought.

I ended up moving my car. When I got out I was aware of people around me. I felt like I was living in a completely different reality to everyone else. I felt like a wild kangaroo lost in suburbia. I then disappeared into the bush with the diazepam, a water bottle and my phone. My “dream” and “waking” worlds had become completely blurred. I felt like I was dying, dissolving into the abyss. I took another tablet of diazepam, found a quiet, private spot and just lay there.

The combination of the medication and nature managed to bring me out of the panic attack to a point where I was able to function in society again. It was getting cold and it was dinnertime so I drove to the shops and got pizza. When I got there, a cop car passed me. I felt my heart rate rise, but I was much more collected so didn’t feel they had any reason to harass me. A cop was hanging around the pizza shop for some bizarre reason. I walked past him, wrote down my order, went back to the car, texted a friend, and then in twenty minutes picked up my pizza. The cop had since left.

I didn’t have it in me to set up a tent deep in the bush yesterday and I probably wouldn’t have slept well out there anyway as I’d be scared someone would still find me, or my car. I tried sleeping in the back of my car in various carparks but random cars kept entering and freaking me out. There’s nothing more scary than being alone in a secluded carpark at night with one other car. So I returned home. I didn’t feel safe and was terrified of being tortured in my sleep again.

“Whoever’s doing this to me fuck you, you miserable low life,” I texted my therapist, who is very alternative and has spoken to me before about attacks from dark interdimensional beings. “You’re gonna lose this battle in the end and you know it.”

“That’s true, Zoe,” my therapist wrote back. “I love your spirit!!”

I managed to sleep better last night. I held onto some grounding crystals a friend gave me.

I’m about to see a doctor hoping to get some more diazepam. I think I need to utilise all avenues I have, both Western and natural medicine. I will also need to really limit my computer use and stimulation.

I’m feeling a lot better today, even to the point I think I could go to a night club. I’m hoping yesterday’s panic attack was the final crashing chord which brings this thing to an end.