hsphaven

Last night I had the worst sleep. I woke up all the time, interspersed with dreams about my old psychiatrist dying and the feeling that I was dying, something that has become a common experience for me, especially when I try to sleep. I also dreamt about escaping to the countryside, as well as people my age superseding me career-wise and becoming doctors. I dreamt about a girl I used to know in high school. In my dream she had become a psychiatrist and I was helping her run some kind of retreat in the countryside for kids with mental health issues. I was no good with people, and decided I’d be better off caring for the animals on the farm.

As I wrote in a previous post, I don’t know if the world has got louder and more overbearing over the course of my life, or something has changed in me, making me less able to deal with it. I definitely identify with “The Connection Survival Style” psychologist Dr. Laurence Heller writes about in Healing Developmental Trauma. This survival style is also called the “schizoid character structure” in psychotherapy and develops from the earliest trauma which make us feel unwelcome in the world, afraid of and overwhelmed by other people, and overwhelmed by our own body which is constantly in a state of distress, causing us to retreat into our minds or the spiritual realm. Below is an extract of the “spiritualising subtype” which I identify with the most:

The Spiritualizing Subtype

“These subtypes are prone to spiritualizing their experience. As a result of either early shock or relational trauma, they did not feel welcomed into the world and grew up believing that the world is a cold, loveless place. Because other humans are often experienced as threats, many individuals with this subtype search for spiritual connection, are more comfortable in nature and with animals, and feel more connected to God than to other human beings. To make sense of the pain of their lives, they often become spiritual seekers trying to convice themselves that someone loves them; if people do not, then God must. 

These individuals are often extremely sensitive in both positive and negative ways. Having never embodied, they have access to energetic levels of information to which less traumatized people are not as sensitive; they cab be quite psychic and energetically attuned to people, animals, and the environment and can feel confluent and invaded by other people’s emotions. They are also unable to filter environmental stimuli- they are sensitive to light, sound, pollution, electromagnetic waves, touch, etc.; therefore they often struggle with environmental sensitivities.

Common symptoms and health conditions for those with the “Connection Survival Style” include: migraines, ADD/ADHD, colic, dissociation, digestive problems, irritable bowel syndrome, environmental sensitivities, asthma, depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, scoliosis, allergies, anxiety and panic attacks.

While it has its roots in early childhood, in my experience these issues can become more and more pronounced and debilitating as we get older, especially after experiencing later trauma which triggers this lifelong vulnerability in us. I have definitely deteriorated massively the past decade, which I can trace back to when I lost my first counsellor Sheida. Sheida, a young Iranian woman who was also vegan, was like a best friend. She was the first person I opened up to about my trauma growing up. It was the first time in my life I experienced a relationship which was focused on my needs, with a person who was attuned to me, held space for me, and worked to understand me. Sheida cracked me open and I was forced to confront sides of myself and feelings I had not felt since childhood probably.

I am now at a point where my environmental sensitivities are so debilitating that I can barely shop for groceries. I am so depressed that it takes everything I have in me to get to the shops. Often I can’t even get dressed, and usually just throw a jumper over my PJs, or leggings under my strawberry dressing gown, which can pass as everyday wear. Then after about five minutes of being in a shop, I reach saturation point. I start to feel really off. I wander around the shop in a haze and want to collapse. I need to get out. Friends have observed this in me, where I don’t do well inside restaurants but shortly after going outside I pick up.

It doesn’t help that I don’t sleep well. I’ve never quite figured out why my sleep is so bad. Last night I ordered a tent which is made of material which blocks electromagnetic energy. I plan to sleep in it and see if my sleep improves. I hope it will lift one layer of stress off my body. There was only one tent left on the site, which was discounted due to some aesthetic imperfections. The site assures me it still does the job. I am so grateful to have snagged the last one (and to be able to afford it still as I have lost a lot of money to my shopping addiction buying stuff I don’t need). I bought the tent from Mercola Market. Below is a description of the tent:

To de-stress at night, your body needs a break from wireless frequencies, electric and magnetic fields and dirty electricity, collectively referred to as “EMFs.” At home or away, sleeping in an EMF-free sanctuary allows you to effortlessly enter a parasympathetic state for your body to detox, restore and rejuvenate.

My physiotherapist says that people cannot detect 5G radiation, and he believes my distressing buzzing/vibration sensations and spasms are due to my anxiety, negative thinking and drug and alcohol use which keeps my body feeling threatened and perceiving sensations when there is no external source. I’m not so sure. I still ordered the tent and am keen to see if it makes a difference. Insomnia, heart palpitations, increased heat, headaches, fatigue, head pressure, brain fog, memory lapses, dizziness, nausea and blurred vision are some other symptoms people with electromagnetic sensitivity report.

I find I cannot be around most people. I literally feel like I’m being marinated in their energetic field and just want to run away or scream at them. As I think I said recently, I really need to live alone on a deserted island, or migrate to another planet. I can, however, be extraverted around the right people. I caught up with two friends the other week. We went to the beach at night and instead of draining me I found my mood and energy picked up.

The end of the year is always rough. This year feels particularly bad. I’ve felt off all month both emotionally and physically. I’ve had terrible anxiety which has escalated into panic attacks, I’ve been dizzy, my nails are breaking all the time and I have new vibrations. New Year’s is hell. While I usually find nighttime to be quiet and peaceful, tonight there are hoons roaming about everywhere. I saw my mum earlier and the local drug dealer was having a party. They were blasting music with a heavy bass which penetrates my entire being and sometimes makes me feel like I’m having a panic attack as it mimics my racing, pounding heartbeat. I could hear people screaming, yahooing and men shouting “fuck you”. I folded a few more copies of my new zine, “marion”, but my tremor, which I’ve had all year since my overdose, was bothering me. After a couple of hours with my mum out of no where I felt like I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I hated the hyped up atmosphere I sensed all around me. At the traffic lights on the way home, I had to stop as two hoons sped through their red light in front of me. I was hoping it’d be quieter at home, but there were groups of young men roaming around my street. While I usually leave my car in the drive, I put my car away in the garage tonight and made sure I locked all the doors to the house. Just before midnight I shut the door of the insulated box I sleep in and put on my industrial grade earmuffs in case someone near me had fireworks. Thankfully there were no fireworks in my area. Things seem to have settled down outside, but I never look forward to going to bed as I never know what kind of hell I am in for each night.   

A friend wrote the following post to Facebook, which helped me feel less alone:

“While everyone is wishing happy new year, I’m in NYE crisis management mode with all the other schizophrenics in the country scrambling for meds that keep us alive. We’re just finding out through the grapevine, they’ve run out of our meds! Why does the mental health system always FAIL in the week between Christmas and new year? The whole lot should be sacked. I plan for months so this week doesn’t go shyte and I end up in hospital through rapid withdrawal of an addictive substance, but here we are. McGorry’s empire is a crock of -.

PS happy new year! LOL still laugh and crack the champers to celebrate insanity! Humans are an annoying blip in the plan of universal mechanisms so here’s to a 2025 full of blips. Off to watch the fireworks crash the sky of Melbourne from the lookout near my place”