hsphaven

One warm summer’s evening, after a string of sweaty days which dried up plants and made people ill, what appeared to be a girl with messy hair and wearing pyjamas entered a veterinary clinic. The woman at the desk looked up.

“I need help,” the visitor said.

The receptionist’s eyebrows knitted together as it was just on closing time.

“Where is the animal?” she asked.

“I am the animal,” the visitor said.

The receptionist paused.

“Listen, girl, is this some kind of joke?” she said. “It’s late, we’re about to close up. My dog is waiting for me. I don’t have time for this.”

“I’m not a girl,” the mysterious visitor said. “I go by it/its pronouns.”

The receptionist paused. This girl’s actually serious, she thought to herself. She’s insane.

“You don’t you look like an “it” or an animal,” the receptionist finally muttered.

“Well you don’t look stupid,” it said. “But looks are deceiving.”

The receptionist’s fists clenched and her jaw tightened. But then she took a breath, telling herself that she was dealing with someone who was clearly out of their mind.

“So why do you use its pronouns?”

“Same reason you use your pronouns,” it said.

I don’t get paid overtime to have an argument with someone about pronouns, the receptionist thought. She went to stand up and tell the rude, combative thing in the waiting room to get out, but then she paused and sat back down again.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else I can call you?” the receptionist asked.

“Nope,” it said. “It is IT!”

The receptionist unclenched her fists.

“Well, what is the problem?” the receptionist asked, after a bit of a pause.

“My ears won’t stop hurting,” it said.

“When did this start?” the receptionist asked.

“Several weeks ago when I saw a doctor,” it said. “The doctor stuck this thing in my ears to examine them and it’s made them even worse. Doctors always injure me because they treat me like I have a human anatomy, which I don’t. So I thought I’d have better luck at the vet’s, because I think I’m more like an animal than a human.”

“What animal are you?” the receptionist asked, shaking a little.

“My hearing is so sensitive, maybe I’m a cat or deer,” it said.

After a long pause, the receptionist finally broke the silence.

“I can help you,” she said. “What is your name, anyway?”

“My parents named me Katherine,” it said. “But I’ve never really liked the name.”

“Do you live with your parents?” the receptionist asked.

“No, I’m like a stray cat now,” Katherine said, but it did not elaborate, and the receptionist didn’t ask any further.

“How old are you, Katherine?” the receptionist asked.

“I’m 32,” it said.

Too old to be a deer OR a cat- obviously the girl is the stupid one, the receptionist thought.

“Well, Katherine, please wait here and I will be a few minutes,” the receptionist said.

~*~

The receptionist went into the back room with her mobile phone, making sure she was well away from Katherine’s apparently sharp hearing. She then called mental health services.

“Hello, Eastern Health mental health triage,” a woman who sounded just as keen to go home answered.

“Hello, I am calling about a young woman who has just walked into my veterinary clinic,” the receptionist said. “She says she is an animal. I don’t really know what to do with her. I don’t really want to just kick her out as she’s clearly suffering and having some kind of mental health episode.”

“Is she acting violent in any way?” asked the clinician.

“Well, she did seem quite argumentative when we first started speaking, telling me that I am stupid,” the veterinary receptionist said. “I wanted to throttle her. She’s also run away from home it sounds like, and looks like she hasn’t brushed her hair in weeks!”

“Do you think you can convince her to go to a hospital and get checked out?” the clinician asked.

“I doubt it,” the receptionist said. “She will probably tell me hospitals are for humans and she’s not a human. Plus she recons doctors have caused all her problems.”

“She sounds psychotic and needs help,” the clinician said. “Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to organise for her to be taken to hospital to be assessed. Please stay with her until help arrives.”

~*~

The receptionist returned to the waiting room, and found Katherine pacing about.

“When am I going to see the vet?” Katherine asked.

“The vet is a little busy right now,” the receptionist said. “Can I get you some tea or coffee in the meantime?”

“No,” Katherine said. “I just want to see the vet. I’m so sick, my ears won’t stop hurting and I feel like killing myself if this goes on any longer!”

“You will be seen by someone who can really help you soon,” the receptionist said, though avoiding eye contact. Katherine didn’t seem to notice, as it wasn’t looking at the receptionist’s face.

“Oh really?” Katherine said, her face brightening. “Thank you.”

“I just need to finish up some work before I knock off for the night,” the receptionist said, and returned to the desk.

Shortly, three cop cars pulled up outside and several cops entered the clinic. Katherine’s heart started racing.

“Hello, are you Katherine?” a male cop asked, as she sat alone in the waiting room.

Katherine froze and said nothing.

“We hear you’re having some problems with your ears,” he said, standing over Katherine. “We thought we’d see if we can get you some help.”

“That’s what I’m doing!” Katherine yelled at the cop.

The other cops stood in the background, a crinkled smirk on their faces and a snort escaping some of their noses.

“Do you want to come with us to the hospital and see what they can do?” the cop asked.

“They can do nothing!” Katherine yelled. “Human doctors are what caused all my problems in the first place! I don’t belong there!”

An ambulance then joined the cop cars outside the clinic.

Realising it was in trouble, Katherine got up and tried to run out of the veterinary clinic but the cops grabbed it.

“You can either go in the ambulance, or come to hospital with us,” the cop said. “Which is it going to be?”

Katherine fell to the floor and refused to move. The cops then decided to handcuff it, with its hands behind its back. Katherine started screaming. The paramedics came in, also dressed in uniforms. A paramedic tried to talk to Katherine and encourage it to join them in the ambulance but it ignored them.

“Looks like she will be coming with us,” the cop said, and they tried to lift Katherine off the floor and into a cop car. It kicked and bit one of them.

“Katherine, if you keep hurting us we will need to have the paramedics sedate you,” a cop said.

The cops finally managed to get Katherine into the back of the cop car, where it was put in the hard boot like a cadged animal, with a window no larger than a kid’s football to look out of. They then drove it to hospital as it slid around the boot whenever they went round a corner.

The cops managed to get Katherine a bed in the emergency department pretty quickly. A security guard was stationed outside its bed, to make sure it didn’t run away. Meanwhile the staff had a discussion about Katherine, who it turns out had been to hospital many times before. The staff scratched their heads.

“She usually comes to hospital because she’s suicidal,” one of the staff members said. “We have never seen her like this before.”

“She has Borderline Personality Disorder,” a doctor said. “She’s probably looking for attention. We shouldn’t reward her with a bed.”

“I don’t think she even wants a bed this time,” another staff member pitched in.

“Maybe she’s just acting like she doesn’t want a bed to manipulate us into giving her a bed,” the doctor said.

“Yes, they run but they secretly want us to chase after them,” another doctor said.

“Or to treat them forcibly,” added the first doctor. “Borderlines can be masochistic.”

“Thinking she’s an animal could be her identity disturbance associated with Borderline Personality Disorder,” another clinician continued.

“Pretty extreme identity disturbance,” another said. “Not only does she have gender dysphoria but also species dysphoria.”

“Maybe she has another personality disorder,” another doctor said.

“Yeah, like narcissism?” somebody else said. “Seriously? Its pronouns? Does she think she’s above humanity or something?”

“Katherine is in enormous pain not just emotionally but physically,” the psychologist, who had a bit of a different viewpoint, said. “Maybe it’s her, I mean its, way of distancing itself from the fact that it has a body. From what I understand, it also has an extensive history of moving schools, being bullied, and possibly even raped. Maybe it has been treated like an animal, like not even human, for so long now that it has internalised that identity and alienation.”

“And you guys played a part in it too,” blurted out the peer support worker, glaring especially at the doctors. “The way you no longer treat it as a human being but as a label, and a personality disorder label at that. The very name makes them out to be outsiders and something to be feared. Then you lot discriminate against it because of the label you’ve given it. You act like this is border security and it is an illegal immigrant. All those times it came to the hospital needing help and you turned it away, causing it to hurt itself. Then you don’t even provide after care for its self-injuries like you do with other injuries. It’s not even fair to call it “self” injury. YOU injure it with your negligence and the bread crumbs of care you give it. When you do give it a bed, you only let it stay for a few days. I’d start to think I’d have better luck at a vet’s too!”

“Borderlines don’t belong in hospital,” the doctor said.

“Why not?” probed the peer support worker. “Where else are they meant to go?”

“It’s not an illness, like schizophrenia is for example,”

“Actually it is an illness. Haven’t you seen the research showing the brain differences between people with and without BPD? Their smaller amygdala for example which makes it difficult for them to regulate their emotions?”

“I am well aware of the research, being a doctor,” the doctor said.

“So why do you keep regarding BPD as a trash can diagnosis which you can do nothing for and just send these people away even more traumatised and likely to kill themselves? Abandon a person who already has a fear of abandonment? What are you, some kind of sadist? Do you ever wonder why the suicide rate is so high for people with BPD? Do you ever stop and consider your part in that?”

“They’re always bloody suicidal!” the doctor said, throwing Katherine’s file on the table. “What are we meant to do? Lock them away for good? The asylum days are long gone!”

“You can start by treating them like any other patient, as suffering human beings deserving of care, give them the time of day and show them some love.”

“Then they will become dependent. They are like love junkies. The more love they get, the worse they become.”

“I’m sick of this ridiculous argument that people with BPD are dependent on hospital so should be denied care!” the peer support worker snapped. “You don’t deny care to anyone else with chronic illnesses who have reoccurring health emergencies.”

“Well hospital doesn’t make those patients worse like it does for Borderlines,” the doctor said. “Like I said, hospital just becomes an addiction and reinforces their behaviours.”

“Here we go, Borderline, Borderline, Borderline,” the peer support worker said. “Do you ever take off your Borderline tinted glasses and see all the other issues that the people you diagnose with BPD usually have also, many of which can be treated medically? Anxiety, mood disorders, sleep issues, substance abuse, dissociation, trauma, neurodivergence, physical issues, eating disorders, you name it. Why do you see hospital as just a drug disposal centre anyway? Hospital should be so much more than that.”

“Borderlines fake eating disorders for attention,” the doctor said.

“Well, you know what, so what if they do? What are they meant to do to get people to listen? Do they have to die before you finally wake up? You should really stop seeing these people as attention seeking, but more support seeking. They deserve support. They have been left in a terrible situation all their lives and you continue to let them suffer and do nothing just like everyone else in their horrid lives which you, as a privileged male doctor, cannot even imagine.”

“Enough with you!” the doctor snapped.

The peer support worker then turned to the psychologist.

“Then there’s the way you pass it from therapist to therapist like Pass the Bomb. Or the crocodile in “Gone Bush”, as I used to play with my family. Or pass the parcel where you each strip another layer off it, hoping to get to the bottom of it, but you never actually do, or you discover the present inside is not what you hoped for so you toss it in the bin. No wonder it is now an it.”

“Get out,” the doctor said.

“Oh, I’d be glad to leave your presence. I was actually just about to leave myself.”

And with that, the peer support worker got up and left.

“She is a loose canon,” the doctor said. “They should really stop employing peer support workers. Clearly a Borderline herself who should be in DBT. I will be having a word to management.”

“Well, getting back to what we do with this young lady out there,” another doctor, who was quiet throughout the whole debacle, said. “I do agree this is no longer Borderline Personality Disorder. I think she is a very troubled young lady. She is clearly delusional, and, depending on how you look at it, either a bit grandiose, or psychotically depressed where she has devalued and degraded herself so much that she now thinks she’s an object. Believing that one doesn’t exist entirely as a human being is also a type of nihilistic delusion. She seems to believe doctors are persecutory towards her which has probably led to the ear pain she reports, and she is quite agitated. She should be started on antipsychotics straight away. I believe she used to take them but I’m not sure she does anymore. I think this is a relapse of her psychotic condition.”

The other doctor accepted his colleague’s opinion and they decided to put Katherine in the psychiatric ward. But when they came out, it was no longer at its bed. They found the security guard hovering outside the bathroom.

“How long has she been in there for?” they asked the security guard.

“Not long,” he said. “I think I just heard the toilet flush.”

The staff went away, but still Katherine did not return to its bed.

The nurse decided to knock on the bathroom door.

“Katherine, are you alright?” she asked. There was no answer.

The nurse then opened the bathroom door and gasped. It was empty.

“Were you here the entire time?” the nurse asked the security guard.

“Yes, I was,” he swore. “She didn’t leave.”

A code was called, and a search began. The hospital checked all the security footage, but there was no sign of Katherine exiting the building. They then called the cops back and reported Katherine a missing person, requesting that it be found and brought back to the hospital.

~*~

Katherine found itself in an ocean. And not just any ocean. The most beautiful ocean Katherine had ever swam in, with a temperature warmer than the oceans in southern Australia. The water was clean, calm and sparkling, ripples of light dancing through Katherine. It relaxed Katherine’s body as Katherine had always loved water, and loved even more being away from people. Katherine was dazed, though. “Where am I?” it wondered. “Have I died?” Its last memory was travelling down a tunnel, like the tunnels people are said to experience when they die.

There were a couple of seagulls nearby.

“Cow, cow cow,” Katherine heard them call. “Cow, cow, keow, keow, keow, kai, kai, kai, kai, kai.”

“Kai,” the call got more urgent, and then turned into a voice. “Kai, it’s us,”

Katherine realised it was not alone in the water. There were others, but they were not human either. They were more like mermaids with an iridescent shimmer. And then Katherine realised it was a mermaid too. It had grown a tail.

“Am I dreaming?” Katherine asked.

“Of course you are,” one of the mermaids said. “Everything’s a dream. Dreams are all we have. Your other life is a dream. Realising this is the first step into madness…. as well as greatness.”

“Well if this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up,” Katherine said. “I like it here. In fact, it feels like I’ve been here before.”

The mermaids smiled.

“Kai remembers,” one said.

“There’s still a lot I don’t understand,” Katherine said. “Please tell me, what is this place? And why do you keep calling me Kai?”

“You are in Lemuria,” a mermaid said. “You spent a previous life here. Your name, in Lemuria, is Kai. Kai means sea, and in some cultures, king. In Estonian culture Kai comes from Katherine. So your two names are related.”

“I like Kai better,” Kai said. “Whenever people heard Katherine, they always imagined a girl, and following on from that all the expectations to look and behave as one. I never really understood gender, I preferred the company of animals, plants and the elements to humans and felt like some kind of creature myself.”

“Yes, here in Lemuria, it is common to be androgenous,” a mermaid said. “And you were right, you weren’t quite human. Now you know who and what you are.”

“Can you tell me a bit more about this place?” Kai asked.

“Lemuria is kind of like a bridge between heaven and earth,” a mermaid said. “A bridge between the spiritual and physical realms. Heaven on earth. We came from the stars, and keep a close connection with star beings. In Lemuria, life works in harmony. We see all beings as equal. We see everything around us as sentient. We are deeply reverent to Mother Earth. Back on land there are clear rivers, crystal mountains and waterfalls, and lush rainforests. A paradise, garden-of-Eden type of feeling. You will get to explore it all, if you choose to stay for a while. You will not be bound to the ocean as we are shapeshifters, so you will lose your tail when you return to land. You will then take on a humanoid form, with your short, pale, blonde hair as we remember you. Many of us shamelessly wade the rivers nude, like you did. You can maintain a connection to everything and everyone you love here, as we have direct access to the Akash, a living library where everything that ever was and ever would be can be accessed. We can create anything at will, so there is no scarcity- as you have known- here, and no need to grasp or hold onto anything. That is probably something that baffled you in your other life. We are gentle beings who live in our hearts and intuition which is our guidance system for every moment of our life. All beings here share a telepathic connection. Your pain is my pain, my pain is your pain, your joy is my joy, my joy is your joy.”

The mermaid then put its hands over Kai’s ears, drawing away Kai’s pain.

“I finally feel the love, care and belonging I have been searching for my entire life, or even many lifetimes,” Kai cried, tears flowing again like a river that had been unblocked.

The world came into focus, rather than being a huge blur, and when Kai looked at these beings’ faces, it could see the depth of the universe in their large eyes.

“This place is perfect,” Kai said. “Why did I ever leave it for such a horrible world?”

“We all had to leave eventually,” a mermaid said. “Our civilisation was destroyed. Some Lemurians went into the ocean and shapeshifted into whales, dolphins and mermaids. Others went underground into tunnels deep in the earth. Others became the stone people. And others fled to other lands. Those that survived went on undercover attempting to integrate with the rest of the planet. Lemurians turned into the shamans and healers of the globe, sharing their healing gifts and passing them on. A team of us have been working to re-create Lemuria how it was. Lemuria can never really be destroyed. You can cut down a beautiful, curvy tree, but you can never cut down Creator and Creator has the seed for another tree and another. Lemuria was always inside of you, like a song that sings on even after the music stops, and you have gone on to try spread the harmony of Lemuria to the rest of the planet. We know that was not easy for you, witnessing the monster the world has turned into.”

“Just one more question,” Kai asked. “How did I end up back here?”

“You kept some Lemurian characteristics throughout your incarnations,” a mermaid told Kai. “Things like your long thin fingers, which come from our ancestors, also known as aliens, your eyes the colour of our ocean, your forehead which you always thought was too big, your sensitivity, your empathy, your creativity, your love for music and also the way you didn’t really need to eat much, as here in Lemuria we don’t need to eat as we can bring energy directly into our bodies. Another gift you carried across is shapeshifting and your profound relationship with water. So when you went into the hospital bathroom and washed your hands, you transformed into the water and left via the pipes! You were done and your soul took you home. Welcome home, Kai.”