hsphaven

“All that’s made me
Is all worth trading
Just to have one moment with you
So I will let go
Of all that I know
Knowing that you’re here with me
For your love is changing me”

Trading Yesterday- May I

Yesterday I had another session with my physio. He is always so kind to me (he even offered to look at my computer which I was having problems with; I told him I’d consider bringing it in so he can do some physiotherapy on it!). I’m always late and apologise, but he just seems happy I’ve got there at all. He did some more work on my TMJ, and was gentler than last time as he knew I had a few issues after the last treatment. He did admit that he did more than he was planning to last time because I let him and should have been more careful given how sensitive I am.

“It it ok if you take your hat off?” he asked me before he began. I was dressed up as an emo with a black studded beanie. I took it off and covered my face with it. I actually felt more comfortable like this. He preferred to see my face to gage whether I was ok, but I kept most of it covered with the beanie.

After our TMJ treatment he suggested a massage as he senses that some touch would be beneficial to my nervous system. I agreed. I like him touching me and was happy that he was willing to give me a massage as I trust him, have an emotional connection with him and feel he really gets me. He helped me lie on the massage table, facing down.

“Is it ok if I lift up your top?” he asked. I said that was fine. My pants slipped down a bit so I pulled them up.

“Sorry,” he said.

He rubbed massage oil on me and then massaged me quite rigorously. I didn’t feel any pain during our massage, but I did feel the pressure was a bit much. I didn’t say anything as I still can’t talk and was so bloody exhausted from only sleeping for half an hour. He always sees me when my energy is at its lowest. He tries to make it as late in the day as he can, but the latest he can do is around 2pm.

The massage was fairly short, as he says “less is more” with me.

He wiped the massage oil off me with a towel. I sat up on the table and we chatted for a bit as I bit my pen and looked away from him, as I always do. He asked how the massage was.

“It was actually…. good,” I wrote. We talked about my sleep (I have a reversed sleep cycle), and he asked if we could make an agreement that I go to bed at 1am, trying things like a shower each night and some exercise, food and sunlight during the day. I am a different person at night and a part of me doesn’t really want to give up the night life but maybe it’s time. I agreed to a 1am bedtime as I believe he cares, and I believe it is a fair bedtime goal given where I’m at. It’s still later than most people.

My physio left the room, and when he came back I was curled up on the massage table ready to fall asleep. I think the reason I could sleep there was because I actually felt safe for once. He touched me, but told me I would have to go home and sleep as he had another client. He said we’d talk via email in a few days. I left, then realised I’d forgotten my keys so had to go back.

“You’re not going to get far without those,” he told me, and when he said bye I felt the affection in his voice.

I am noticing some improvement in my outlook, and so are others. I’m a lot more…. positive. My sense of humour is coming back. I don’t see my life as completely bad now. I am grateful for the good things, which I am able to feel more (depression can really blind and numb you to all that). I went to badminton last night and others remembered that I don’t like to be at the end of the court where people sit and chat as I get distracted by the noise. That really touched me. I have been able to do a bit more, and be ok with just small goals. I actually managed to do a lot of work on my book last weekend and have now caught up on all the weeks’ edits I was behind on. My self-esteem is improving and I’m feeling different within myself. I am wearing nicer clothes, such as this outfit which came from Japan, and am not covering up so much anymore:

I’m not as numb, which is probably a good thing for the most part, though can be confronting losing that defense strategy that protect us from feelings that we find threatening. When you feel you are on the right path you can go to badminton and still pulverise people on only half an hour’s sleep, which is what I did last night. I’m a bit more resilient. And the world doesn’t seem like such a scary place. It’s as though my physio is restoring my faith in humanity. I can see how many good people I have around me now, such as my friends, my mum who helps me out with food since I struggle to cook and shop, my therapist Peter who I go for walks with and who leaves me voice mail messages in response to my emails, all the firefighters who worked hard to contain the bushfire near my place over the weekend, and my book editor who is an all round good person. She is also a teacher and a firefighter. I meet with her over Zoom she can always tell when I am typing, pausing to let me finish. It means the world to me to have people who are so attune with me.

I told my physio I actually feel like I’m getting further with him than 13 years of being in the mental health system. I received all these diagnoses, was medicated, saw countless abusive therapists and was given all these psychological treatments, most of which made me even worse. All this time it was something as human as touch that I was missing. Touch starvation can really mess with somebody mentally, emotionally and physically. People went crazy during covid when they had to socially distance. But that has been my life for decades. I didn’t even care (I usually felt nothing when people did touch me anyway), but now I’m finding it’s actually starting to really distress me. 

Unfortunately, the care I get from therapists is extremely limited, so I have started looking for it elsewhere. This led me onto a site called FetLife, a site which makes me sick. An onslaught of disgusting photos and prose awaits you when you log in. I met one man on there who I talk to because he seems less gross than most of the others on there. I really don’t know what I’m doing on a site like this. I think there is a child in me who is looking for someone to take care of her (which I don’t think I properly got growing up), and I was suggested the site on an adult baby forum. This man seems ok, though he wants things in the relationship which I just don’t really feel comfortable with, and don’t know if I ever will feel comfortable with. For instance he wants me to wear nappies and shit in them and he changes them. I really just want the cuddles, to be held, to be taken to the playground, to be given toys, to have someone hold my hand, to have someone who is attune to me emotionally, and to have someone be there completely for me for once. Yet it takes a lot of trust for me to even feel comfortable with these things I listed, and I feel he is rushing into things a bit. We’ve only met the once and he’s always calling me “baby girl”. We were talking about meeting again today, and he was already talking about holding me. We barely know each other and I don’t yet have that emotional connection and safety with him I need for something like this. He also wants to see me every single day, which I just don’t have the social stamina for. Plus, it is not every day that I am in “little space”. I need to be protective of this young part of me because I really don’t want to see her getting hurt again, like she did with that nurse Betty who coaxed her to come out and then abandoned her. I’m just fucking sad that the only people I really develop this kind of deep, special bond with are people that are really not available in any real life sense. 

I texted Peter yesterday.

“Hey Peter I’m going to email you about something that’s gonna sound really bizarre and is hard for me to talk about but I really need to,” I told him. I then wrote him an email about FetLife.

“Now, if I haven’t already pushed your openmindedness to the limits, I just got a message from another member who tells me she wants to connect with me, as long as I don’t mind that she has another partner who is her “puppy”,” I told him. “Yes, a dog.”

I really needed a reply as I didn’t know what to do about meeting up with the man who I’ve been talking to. Peter left me a voice message straight away saying there were some red flags, and what I’m looking for is not really what others are looking for on this site. I decided not to meet with this man today. I told him I was totally exhausted and couldn’t sleep. He replied this evening.

“Hey you x

Hope you’re ok 🙂 Totally fine you couldn’t come today – health is more important

I really hope my message didn’t freak you out yesterday as would really love to be your daddy one day if you’d like :)”

It was a nice reply and I am still considering seeing this man again. One of my best friends says he believes I will find someone good for me one day. He observes that I don’t really have problems making friends. When he met me I was staying in a psychiatric hospital. I had organised an event for people who are neurodivergent and rocked up in a blonde wig. He decided I was the friend he needed! He said he sensed “good vibes” from me, and I felt a connection with him too.

“You should put on your dating profile that you’re looking for a psychologist or physio,” he joked.

“Care for me, gooddamit!” I joked.

But then we thought that maybe I’d get jealous knowing my partner was touching other people’s legs and backs all day long.

“Cheats!” I said.

My friend and I went swimming, and it was on full moon once again. My friend said I must be very attune to nature. We also talked about people having two personalities: their text personality and in-person personality. Sometimes they match, and sometimes they don’t. He thought I was quite different in text than what I’m like in person.

“The question is, which is the real you?” he asked.

We joked that people probably wouldn’t like my text personality as much. I am a lot moodier and swear a lot more. My friend recons one day we might have a fight.

“If we ever have a fight, get rid of your phone,” I joked. I am known for writing long, angry messages.

Last night I had a bath and went to bed at 12:30am but still struggled to sleep. It took me a while to fall asleep still. I got maybe 2 hours of crap sleep then woke up sick and breathless again. Many years ago I was tested for sleep apnea and apparently I don’t have it, but the test said I woke up 30 something times. I don’t know if I’ve developed sleep apnea since. I felt so shit last night. I wanted to bawl my eyes out, I was so angry I wanted to scream and throw and smash things. Things go missing all the time and that really upsets me. I couldn’t find my nail trimmer, which I use a lot as my nails are breaking all the time. It was not in its usual place. These things, while they may seem small, really tip me over the edge and I can’t let it go. I ended up taking sleeping pills and then finally got some sleep, but woke up wrecked today and unable to deal with anything, such as the noise outside (even though it wasn’t loud enough to wake me) or company. I wanted to cry all day long. I am meant to be getting ready to go away and it all feels like too much, especially as I won’t have my independence and will be staying with a woman who is extremely talkative. Unfortunately I also have some back pain from the back massage yesterday. I emailed my physio about it.

“I’m really scared it won’t go away, like the Chinese massage,” I said. “But I think the Chinese massage was different. I felt some pain which I knew was not right DURING the massage. It must have been pretty bad for me to feel that as I tend to dissociate from my body. I didn’t feel any pain during our massage, but I did feel the pressure was a bit much. I didn’t say anything as I can’t talk and was so bloody exhausted. I thought it’d be ok as I didn’t feel pain, but the problem has come on afterwards. I don’t think we should give up on massage, I just think less pressure next time.”

I have also been getting some buzzing/tingling sensations on my back. I think it was already there, but it seems worse now. My back just doesn’t feel right. I am a bit upset that my physio did not reply today. I did include a lot more in the email so maybe he’s a little overwhelmed. I’m finding it’s triggering my old trauma of being injured by so many healthcare professionals who I trusted. Many then just walked away from me, leaving me alone to live with the consequences of their treatment. It has left me with a deep sense of betrayal. As another one of my closest friends warned me, this thing with the physio is not going to end well. I have been getting warnings from Spirit that something needs my urgent attention. This evening I felt like cutting contact with my physio and living a completely solitary life where I only rely on myself and Spirit. So I am in a bit of a mixed way right now.