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hsphaven

Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

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bahgivad

The art of stillness

I’ve always been one for talking. Ever since I was a child I would talk on end. Even to this day I can find it difficult to remain silent. This is due to a variety of deep seeded insecurities and a fear of coming across as boring or disatisfying. Though over the years I have found that with practice it has become easier. This is not to say that I do not see the enjoyment or satisfaction of a genuine conversation. But my words were often without meaning or place. Continue reading “The art of stillness”

“The only people who will be upset by the raising of your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any”

Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

This won’t be a long post. I haven’t the energy or mind set to ramble on. But this is something I would like to talk about.
In recent months I have meditating on the man I have been. Thinking back on how I have handled certain relationships and the words I’ve chosen. But it wasn’t until it happened to me that I could truly realise the effect it can have. How blind I was.
About two months back I was in one of the worst places I had been in a long time. I felt as thought I was a breath away from rock bottom. Continue reading “Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise”

Self-care is not selfish

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means to take care of yourself. About how important it is, how to do it, but also about the fact that self care is, in actuality, an act of selflessness.
For the longest time I, like many others, would always put others before myself. As a child I taught myself that perhaps that was the right thing to do. I would put myself last so that they may benefit. Even if it meant I would miss out or that I would suffer for it. I would do this everywhere. I would put others first in every relationship. In a class room or learning environment. At work. Even with strangers. Often times I would tell myself that I was simply being courteous or kind. When in fact I was only depriving myself of my own love. I was leaving myself wide open and vulnerable. Continue reading “Self-care is not selfish”

Do you know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world, to not know why you’re here. That’s – that’s just an awful feeling.

Elijah Price (From the movie Unbreakable)

Although the character saying this is the antagonist of the story he makes a compelling point. Very few of us have the fortune of knowing our purpose.

I often think to myself that perhaps I don’t have a purpose. Even knowing that would offer me a freedom I don’t yet understand.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been feeling a professional sense of being lost. Rudderless in this ocean of darkness and confusion. Unable to glimpse even a beacon of hope. I drift through life without direction. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of what I think is light, but it always turns out to be a mirage, a reflection upon the water’s choppy surface. Whenever I see such a glimmer I also swim towards it, fighting against the current, wearing myself out, all the while knowing it’s just another reflection on the water. But I ignore myself. Tell myself I’m a liar as nd that I don’t know what I’m talking about. That this is the real thing. That it’s that direction, that purpose or sense of self-worth that I seek, that companionship or at least the ability to be happy in my own company. But my lesser self always wins. He always ends up clutching at the nothingness in the distance. Leaving us no more found only now all the more disappointed. Exhausted from fighting. Drained and burned out. The other me knows deep down tha tv if I knew there was no direction to find, no light to look for, then I could embrace my state of being perpetually adrift. I could no longer invest myself in these foolish ideas of finding something that doesn’t exist. Then perhaps I could stop being afraid of who I’m not or where I might end up.

But first I must convince him. The other me. The one who is constantly searching for a reason to exist.

Lost in time

“The more things change the more they stay the same.”
Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

Everybody experiences depression differently. I know this. I don’t know how many others experience what I am about to talk about. But if they do then perhaps it may provide some sort of temporary comfort.
I feel as though time has simply just forgot about me. Either that or it no longer holds any relevance. One day just blurs into another. Even with my schedule of work, study, work, train, work etc. I try to make the most of my day. I try to be productive and make my day mean something. But to no avail. Continue reading “Lost in time”

I’m no poet. I can’t paint with words. Can’t cast imagery or create art out of pain. All I can do is write it how it is.
I’m not an easy person to befriend. I have a constant need for validation. To know that I’m still doing things right. It’s my own flaw. A deep flaw. As ingrained into my character as a scar in flesh or a gorge where a river once flowed.
All my life I’ve been so afraid that I would drive away my friends that I would cling to any I had. Constantly trying to engage.
I would send texts after texts for fear that if I remained silent and distant that they would forget about me. Or perhaps that they would think I didn’t care.
I would over think every little thing that I did. If I were to receive a reply I would scrutinize it to the point of paranoia. “What were they feeling when they wrote it?” “Are they mad at me?”
I tried so hard that I drive people away. Ultimately I end up driving everybody away.
I have become a burden. A nuisance. I’m so enveloped by my fear of failure that I have lost my ability to consider what others might be feeling or need.
Now I’m here.

Out of place

For as long as I can remember I never felt like I’ve belonged where I am. That perhaps I was meant to be somewhere else. Even as a child I could never really fit in anywhere. Even now as a grown man with hobbies and friends I don’t feel grounded. As though I need to be somewhere else but don’t know where it is I need to be.
There have been moments in time where in I felt as though I was right where I was meant to be. And there are a select few people with whom I share this feeling.
I’ve tried changing my world. Tried everything I could to be a part of the world in which I live but remain an outsider. Lonely in the company of millions. Continue reading “Out of place”

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