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hsphaven

Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

Author

bahgivad

Broken image

Looking in the mirror one morning I realised that I didn’t remember the last time I was happy with myself. I’m not talking about my negative view of my physical appearance, which is something I also struggle with, but my inner self.

I hide behind a veil of confidence and humour trying to hide a deep seeded self-consciousness. Ever since high school I’ve been putting on an act, some theatrical character, because I figured people would like him better than they would me. There was a point early on where I was me, the real me, but I wasn’t accepted. I was cast out and bullied and made to feel like a freak for being who I was. And so I became someone else. Somebody who I hated. Somebody who I wish would go away.

There are only a handful of people whom I can be my true self around. People who I feel safe enough around to drop the act, to stop pretending. It’s strange but I’m almost scared to stop acting for fear that I won’t like what I find.

As I said most of us are broken and are merely trying to fix the cracks. But I want to stop pretending. I want to be able to be who I am and not fake it. To show everyone that I can have the confidence to be myself regardless of whether people like me or not. Then I would be able to look at myself and like what I see.

The shadow

I awoke early this morning, at about 3:15, from a deep sleep. I don’t know why I awoke. It wasn’t for any particular reason as I’d had no nightmare nor was there any sudden loud noise or distraction. But I was wide awake.

I sat up feeling cold and uneasy as though I wasn’t alone. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine as I sat there trying to get my head right. It took me some time to remember where I was. I’ve lived in three places in the last two months and don’t feel at home anywhere at the moment. Continue reading “The shadow”

The unsafe space

A few weeks ago I moved into a new place in Olinda. After seeing the what was to be my new home I thought it was perfect. It was a beautiful old house only a short distance from the forest and township of Olinda.

When I spoke with my new landlord, who lives in the Northern Territory, she told me that her son, and my new house mate who we will refer to as Sam, is a nice guy who likes to keep to himself. When meeting with him for the first time he seemed like he would be easy to live with. He told me that he smoked some weed which didn’t bother me. But it wasn’t until I actually moved in that I began to realize exactly what he got up to. I would very quickly learn that he was high every single day. It’s not uncommon for me arrive home to find him puffing on a bong. It was not long after that when I learned that he also sells drugs to his mates. And not just marijuana. These are things that I don’t do and want to have nothing to do with. Continue reading “The unsafe space”

The lighthouse

There I was, adrift amongst the ocean of monotonous routine and empty acts that had become my life, lost in a loneliness and pointlessness that had no horizon. The vastness and emptiness was consuming. Every attempt to fill this void with false people, empty relationships and hopeless hobbies. I was treading water, trying to keep my head above the surface whilst enduring wave after wave of loneliness, insecurity and frustration. I feared that I would be out here forever. Continue reading “The lighthouse”

The art of stillness

I’ve always been one for talking. Ever since I was a child I would talk on end. Even to this day I can find it difficult to remain silent. This is due to a variety of deep seeded insecurities and a fear of coming across as boring or disatisfying. Though over the years I have found that with practice it has become easier. This is not to say that I do not see the enjoyment or satisfaction of a genuine conversation. But my words were often without meaning or place. Continue reading “The art of stillness”

“The only people who will be upset by the raising of your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any”

Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

This won’t be a long post. I haven’t the energy or mind set to ramble on. But this is something I would like to talk about.
In recent months I have meditating on the man I have been. Thinking back on how I have handled certain relationships and the words I’ve chosen. But it wasn’t until it happened to me that I could truly realise the effect it can have. How blind I was.
About two months back I was in one of the worst places I had been in a long time. I felt as thought I was a breath away from rock bottom. Continue reading “Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise”

Self-care is not selfish

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means to take care of yourself. About how important it is, how to do it, but also about the fact that self care is, in actuality, an act of selflessness.
For the longest time I, like many others, would always put others before myself. As a child I taught myself that perhaps that was the right thing to do. I would put myself last so that they may benefit. Even if it meant I would miss out or that I would suffer for it. I would do this everywhere. I would put others first in every relationship. In a class room or learning environment. At work. Even with strangers. Often times I would tell myself that I was simply being courteous or kind. When in fact I was only depriving myself of my own love. I was leaving myself wide open and vulnerable. Continue reading “Self-care is not selfish”

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