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Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

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bahgivad

The lighthouse

There I was, adrift amongst the ocean of monotonous routine and empty acts that had become my life, lost in a loneliness and pointlessness that had no horizon. The vastness and emptiness was consuming. Every attempt to fill this void with false people, empty relationships and hopeless hobbies. I was treading water, trying to keep my head above the surface whilst enduring wave after wave of loneliness, insecurity and frustration. I feared that I would be out here forever.

But then I saw her, a lighthouse, high upon the cliff, her radiance and light serving as a beacon telling me that there is hope. That genuine people and real connections do exist.

Though from where she stood upon the cliff she could not always see how far her light could stretch. Nor could she tell how many could see it. And sometimes all she could see was the drop.

She wasn’t always perfect either. At times she was cracked and broken, sometimes near thepoint of collapse. But her light remained true and bright. And as I was drawn to it my eyes were opened to how even those of us who were broken could still save others. And I learned how loving another could teach me how to start loving myself.

As a lighthouse may be just a building to somebody on land it can save the lives of those at sea.

The art of stillness

I’ve always been one for talking. Ever since I was a child I would talk on end. Even to this day I can find it difficult to remain silent. This is due to a variety of deep seeded insecurities and a fear of coming across as boring or disatisfying. Though over the years I have found that with practice it has become easier. This is not to say that I do not see the enjoyment or satisfaction of a genuine conversation. But my words were often without meaning or place.

However it was in early December of 2019 that I discovered how truly joyous and peaceful it could be to spend a few moments in silence and stillness. One of my closest friends and I met up that afternoon and decided to go for a walk, one of our favourite pass times. We strolled down to the creek in the forest near her house where we sat for a while. And that’s when I found a real calmness and tranquility. Whilst sitting at the side of the creek I realised that, for the first time in a while, I had nothing to say, and so I said nothing. I simply took in my surroundings and enjoyed being there with my friend. I listened to the water in the creek, watched the trees dance and bend in the wind and listened to the wind blow through them and would watch my friend as she sat on the rock with her feet in the water, admiring her innocence and presence in the moment. As we walked back to her house I realised that it had been a long time since I had felt so peaceful and content. To have been able to enjoy a moment for what it was and for two friends to enjoy eachothers silent company left me feeling balanced and happy. Feelings that I had never found in idle conversation. This is something that I will strive to continue and to perfect. More can be said in silence than in 1000 pointless words.

“The only people who will be upset by the raising of your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any”

Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

This won’t be a long post. I haven’t the energy or mind set to ramble on. But this is something I would like to talk about.
In recent months I have meditating on the man I have been. Thinking back on how I have handled certain relationships and the words I’ve chosen. But it wasn’t until it happened to me that I could truly realise the effect it can have. How blind I was.
About two months back I was in one of the worst places I had been in a long time. I felt as thought I was a breath away from rock bottom. Continue reading “Toxic optimism: The curse in disguise”

Self-care is not selfish

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means to take care of yourself. About how important it is, how to do it, but also about the fact that self care is, in actuality, an act of selflessness.
For the longest time I, like many others, would always put others before myself. As a child I taught myself that perhaps that was the right thing to do. I would put myself last so that they may benefit. Even if it meant I would miss out or that I would suffer for it. I would do this everywhere. I would put others first in every relationship. In a class room or learning environment. At work. Even with strangers. Often times I would tell myself that I was simply being courteous or kind. When in fact I was only depriving myself of my own love. I was leaving myself wide open and vulnerable. Continue reading “Self-care is not selfish”

Do you know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world, to not know why you’re here. That’s – that’s just an awful feeling.

Elijah Price (From the movie Unbreakable)

Although the character saying this is the antagonist of the story he makes a compelling point. Very few of us have the fortune of knowing our purpose.

I often think to myself that perhaps I don’t have a purpose. Even knowing that would offer me a freedom I don’t yet understand.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been feeling a professional sense of being lost. Rudderless in this ocean of darkness and confusion. Unable to glimpse even a beacon of hope. I drift through life without direction. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of what I think is light, but it always turns out to be a mirage, a reflection upon the water’s choppy surface. Whenever I see such a glimmer I also swim towards it, fighting against the current, wearing myself out, all the while knowing it’s just another reflection on the water. But I ignore myself. Tell myself I’m a liar as nd that I don’t know what I’m talking about. That this is the real thing. That it’s that direction, that purpose or sense of self-worth that I seek, that companionship or at least the ability to be happy in my own company. But my lesser self always wins. He always ends up clutching at the nothingness in the distance. Leaving us no more found only now all the more disappointed. Exhausted from fighting. Drained and burned out. The other me knows deep down tha tv if I knew there was no direction to find, no light to look for, then I could embrace my state of being perpetually adrift. I could no longer invest myself in these foolish ideas of finding something that doesn’t exist. Then perhaps I could stop being afraid of who I’m not or where I might end up.

But first I must convince him. The other me. The one who is constantly searching for a reason to exist.

Lost in time

“The more things change the more they stay the same.”
Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

Everybody experiences depression differently. I know this. I don’t know how many others experience what I am about to talk about. But if they do then perhaps it may provide some sort of temporary comfort.
I feel as though time has simply just forgot about me. Either that or it no longer holds any relevance. One day just blurs into another. Even with my schedule of work, study, work, train, work etc. I try to make the most of my day. I try to be productive and make my day mean something. But to no avail. Continue reading “Lost in time”

I’m no poet. I can’t paint with words. Can’t cast imagery or create art out of pain. All I can do is write it how it is.
I’m not an easy person to befriend. I have a constant need for validation. To know that I’m still doing things right. It’s my own flaw. A deep flaw. As ingrained into my character as a scar in flesh or a gorge where a river once flowed.
All my life I’ve been so afraid that I would drive away my friends that I would cling to any I had. Constantly trying to engage.
I would send texts after texts for fear that if I remained silent and distant that they would forget about me. Or perhaps that they would think I didn’t care.
I would over think every little thing that I did. If I were to receive a reply I would scrutinize it to the point of paranoia. “What were they feeling when they wrote it?” “Are they mad at me?”
I tried so hard that I drive people away. Ultimately I end up driving everybody away.
I have become a burden. A nuisance. I’m so enveloped by my fear of failure that I have lost my ability to consider what others might be feeling or need.
Now I’m here.

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