hsphaven

I wish I was a bird, free to fly away when I needed to. But instead I am stuck here, unable to leave.

I dreamed that I was a stag, wandering freely where I want to go. No anchors or baggage holding me back. But then I awoke to remember that I’m just a man. Stuck in my life of commitments and responsibilities.

I wish I was a tree. Grounded and wise, able to withstand storms with no insecurities. But I’m not a tree. I’m deeply flawed and constantly struggle with my own self-image. Neither strong nor wise.

I always wanted to be a bear. Powerful and impressive. Living in the woods and hiding away from the world, sleeping for months at a time. But I’m just me, I can’t hide from the world or hibernate. I have to be a part of it all.

I would want to be anything but what I am now. But I’m not. I’m just me.

If I could take away your pain I would. I would take every part of it and send it far away. But I cannot, no matter how hard I try, so instead I’ll sit here with you so you don’t hurt alone.

If I could help you through all your problems I would do so without hesitation. But I can’t so instead I will walk along side you and help you navigate through them.

If I could stop you from feeling alone and isolated I would do so in a heartbeat. But it’s not in my power to do so. Instead I will be you’re friend no matter what. I will stand with you.

If I could hold you and tell you everything will be okay I would. But I can’t as I am just as lost and scared. But I will hold your hand and we can comfort eachother.

If I could be whatever you needed me to be I would be just that. But I’m not that person. Instead I’m broken and deeply flawed. But together we will grow and become what eachother needs. And with this we will be okay.

ॐ

The other night I had a good, long talk with myself. I had to call myself out on my attitude towards an important relationship. I realised that I had not been as grateful or appreciative of what I’ve had as I should have been.

I found myself always wanting to spend more time with my friend. Always thinking about planning for the next meeting or activity together. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with somebody. When you meet someone you connect with it’s only natural to want to spend time with them. But I wasn’t being as patient or understanding as I should have been. Not as much as they deserved. I would hope to see them and be disappointed when it didn’t happen. I would often be upset because I couldn’t see them as often as I would like. Continue reading “To be grateful” →

Looking in the mirror one morning I realised that I didn’t remember the last time I was happy with myself. I’m not talking about my negative view of my physical appearance, which is something I also struggle with, but my inner self.

I hide behind a veil of confidence and humour trying to hide a deep seeded self-consciousness. Ever since high school I’ve been putting on an act, some theatrical character, because I figured people would like him better than they would me. There was a point early on where I was me, the real me, but I wasn’t accepted. I was cast out and bullied and made to feel like a freak for being who I was. And so I became someone else. Somebody who I hated. Somebody who I wish would go away.

There are only a handful of people whom I can be my true self around. People who I feel safe enough around to drop the act, to stop pretending. It’s strange but I’m almost scared to stop acting for fear that I won’t like what I find.

As I said most of us are broken and are merely trying to fix the cracks. But I want to stop pretending. I want to be able to be who I am and not fake it. To show everyone that I can have the confidence to be myself regardless of whether people like me or not. Then I would be able to look at myself and like what I see.

I awoke early this morning, at about 3:15, from a deep sleep. I don’t know why I awoke. It wasn’t for any particular reason as I’d had no nightmare nor was there any sudden loud noise or distraction. But I was wide awake.

I sat up feeling cold and uneasy as though I wasn’t alone. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine as I sat there trying to get my head right. It took me some time to remember where I was. I’ve lived in three places in the last two months and don’t feel at home anywhere at the moment. Continue reading “The shadow” →

A few weeks ago I moved into a new place in Olinda. After seeing the what was to be my new home I thought it was perfect. It was a beautiful old house only a short distance from the forest and township of Olinda.

When I spoke with my new landlord, who lives in the Northern Territory, she told me that her son, and my new house mate who we will refer to as Sam, is a nice guy who likes to keep to himself. When meeting with him for the first time he seemed like he would be easy to live with. He told me that he smoked some weed which didn’t bother me. But it wasn’t until I actually moved in that I began to realize exactly what he got up to. I would very quickly learn that he was high every single day. It’s not uncommon for me arrive home to find him puffing on a bong. It was not long after that when I learned that he also sells drugs to his mates. And not just marijuana. These are things that I don’t do and want to have nothing to do with. Continue reading “The unsafe space” →

There I was, adrift amongst the ocean of monotonous routine and empty acts that had become my life, lost in a loneliness and pointlessness that had no horizon. The vastness and emptiness was consuming. Every attempt to fill this void with false people, empty relationships and hopeless hobbies. I was treading water, trying to keep my head above the surface whilst enduring wave after wave of loneliness, insecurity and frustration. I feared that I would be out here forever. Continue reading “The lighthouse” →