Lately I’ve been wondering whether the things that seem to be my main problems really are the problem. There is something beneath these problems which are giving rise to them. I feel like I may need to change my direction / focus completely. Instead of focusing on the depression and apathy, I need to look at my overactive, manic side and my tendency to care “too much”. Instead of worrying so much about my attachment to therapists where they become the centre of my universe, I need to look at what’s going on with my other relationships and my lack of attachment. And, more broadly, to understand my unhappy relationship with life, perhaps I need to look at my relationship with death, for it is our relationship with death that informs the way we live our lives. Never do our lives hit us harder than when we are on our death beds, which goes to show just how deeply entwined the two are. Check out this post by Gustavo, especially the “Write your own obituary” exercise.
For anyone reading this who is similarly feeling stuck, perhaps it is the polar side that you, too, may need to examine. Light casts a shadow. Opposites are more connected than we think.
May 14, 2018 at 5:47 am
I just listened to a score from a civil war movie called “Glory”. Its about the 54th Massachusetts regiment, the first African American regiment during the civil war. They lost over half their number during an assault on a Confederate fort. Some of my ancestors were among the first African Americans to serve in the Union army during the civil war. They weren’t part of the 54th but they put themselves in danger like so many others. Whenever I think about my ancestors that served in that conflict it makes me wonder how I’d stand up under those conditions. Would I fight? How would I behave under fire? I don’t know but I’d like to think I could approach their level of valor in the face of death.
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