What thoughts keep you awake at night? The other night it was the memory of a man who I knew five years ago for only twenty minutes. It was the day my psychologist, who was like a mother to me, told me we were going to finish up in a few months time. It was the day my world cracked open and no amount of tears could fill the cavity that remained.
I am impressed how Uttar Pradesh, a state in northern India, is handling covid. Vaccines are not the only way out of this, Uttar Pradesh demonstrate. In contrast, just a week ago Australia’s Therapeutic Goods Administration put a ban on doctors prescribing ivermectin for covid, depriving people of early treatment. I must confess I am rather exasperated as I write this post. I’m sick of logging onto Facebook and all I see is people posting pictures of their vaccine cards and vaccine profile pictures. We don’t need the jab shoved down our throats any more than it currently is, with teachers now being forced to get it to keep their jobs and people not being allowed to go to the movies, hairdressers etc. Never have I seen a product so aggressively marketed. I’m so tired of being here. It’s not just the vaccines, it’s everything. It’s the life I’ve had. It’s what we’re doing to the planet. It kills me to be here and witness all this.
While I say I want to die I’m also scared of death. I’m becoming more and more of a nihilist and I fear I’m losing my spirituality. Lately when I fall asleep it’s like I fall into a big black hole. Many nights I don’t dream at all and it’s like I cease to exist. I wonder if this is what death is like… no heaven, no angels, no reunions with loved ones, no afterlife or “other side”, no life review, just complete nothingness. I don’t find it peaceful, it’s quite scary really.
I am an empty girl in an empty room. I lock the door of the clinic’s bathroom behind me and sit on the floor. The bite of the cold tiles feels good; I need something else to feel, anything! Therapy is like crossing a bridge. A bridge to a better life. But trolls lurk beneath the bridge, and today we disturbed them. They waited until my therapist was gone to attack. Now they are dragging me down into the sewers and bog. I sit level to the toilet. I feel like scum, but I don’t care. Continue reading “The sweet sting”
There was only one year during high school that I had a group of friends whom I felt I belonged. This was Year 8, and their names were Grace, Fran and Jess.
Continue reading “Chasing ghosts of the past”When I was little I had two stuffed clowns which I took everywhere with me. The first one I got was “Coco”. I carried Coco by his red hair and he eventually became bald. Then I got “Noddy”, Coco’s companion. Continue reading “Parents throwing away our things”
I am your computer
Notifications give you a boost
But one day you’ll realise I have you tied in a noose.
Your real life slips away
And is replaced by me,
You are now living a whole new reality.
You are my friend through this endless night.
You are my star while the sun takes flight.
But will you walk with me when dawn finally breaks?
Or will you fade away, leaving me with shakes and aches?
I’ve come to love the darkness, as that is how I see you.
And I fight the sunrise, for without you I’m blue.
So this is the conundrum that I face.
Scared of the sun, yet tortured by this place.
Take my hand
Let me show you,
The field beyond the trees,
Where the only noise is the whisper of the wind through the unkept grass.
Love lifts the veil that is before our eyes
And we awaken to the magic that is all around us.
We are wide eyed children,
Marvelled by the beauty of nature,
Beginning our lives anew.
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
I just spent three weeks in hospital for my mental health. I talked quite a bit with the student nurse while in there (we even played badminton together). We were the same age and he shared little bits about his own life with me. I told him about a friend I used to have who was in hospital like me. I’d visit this friend every week and brought him a big container of rainbow jellybeans. This friend then stopped talking to me. I was upset that these kind of things keep happening. This lovely nurse must have felt my sadness. He went out and bought ME a box of rainbow jellybeans and a jellybean machine. He gave it to me when I was discharged, along with this beautiful card. He said he wanted to give me the closure I hadn’t had in other relationships. Continue reading “An act of kindness”
hsphaven 