You are so close yet so distant

Your life oceans away.

Who is it that I love, mysterious one?

You hide behind your professional mask

I know you but I don’t.


You can never be what I need you to be.

You can never be a mother,

A partner,

A friend.

Someone who can hug me

Someone I can have on Facebook

Someone I can give presents to

Someone I can have over

Someone I can hang out with on the weekend

Someone I can take to nice places and swim in the ocean with.

You’re still meant to care for me

But now you just hurt.


I’m starving

And you fill the empty cracks of my life.

The cracks I’ve been avoiding for years.

How can I ever leave you?

You have me tight in your clasp

For without you there is nothing left.

Only a life in ruins…

A war zone.


I’m a ticking time bomb ready to explode.

I yell at my mother for opening my door and not shutting it completely, and for asking if I’ve eaten.

I pop two white pills at midday so I can sleep the day away.

I pray for death to take me.

Look what you have reduced me to.

I hate you.

And yet I still want to run back to your open office yet closed arms.