Depression is like drowning.
You’re tired of treading water.
No one can hear you
And they mistaken your smile as waving, not drowning.
I drift to sleep and go under.
At first it is frightening, full of nightmares.
But now there is something peaceful about going under.
Here in the darkness I can touch you.
Let me sink deeper and deeper into you.
I come to the surface.
I don’t want to be alive.
I talk with you on the phone as your client.
Don’t hang up, please.
I’m scared.
I can’t keep treading water forever.
hsphaven 
October 29, 2021 at 1:32 pm
Zoe, maybe I’m being offensive or simply asking the wrong question but isn’t this a pattern for you? You said that you’ve developed excessive attachments to therapists before. You’re intelligent and certainly intelligent enough to realise this. That’s probably a good sign. I’m not faulting you for having certain emotions but in some sense I think that you have the potential to be above this. I think you might have more emotional integrity than you may be giving yourself credit for. Maybe you can have a relationship with her without over investing yourself. Maybe you’re afraid to be alone but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you work with her as a professional and maintain your emotional independence you can learn to stand on your own feet. We all need love to some extent but respect is essential too. I think you need more respect right now.
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October 30, 2021 at 5:30 am
Thanks counteraplogist1, I appreciate your comment. I do not find it offensive. Excessive attachments to therapists is a pattern of mine that I really want to break!
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October 30, 2021 at 8:23 am
I think you can do it. Easier said than done of course. Maybe forming relationships with people that you’re not so invested in would help. It’s okay to be scared. Even when people don’t seem to get you fully they might still have something to offer you. You might have something to offer them. Relationships can be based on mutual respect, intellectual connection, professional accomplishments, and other things. You’re self confidence might improve if you racked up some victories for yourself. They don’t have to be dramatic but when you go out and interact with others, maybe like when those people that have done small acts of kindness for you that you’ve described, you remind yourself that there is more to you than your problems. You’re Zoe. I’m not just trying to validate you when I say this. I’m just stating the facts. You’re intelligent and creative. You have a strong moral compass. You’ve put up with difficulties that many other people could not. You can take these qualities anywhere and do anything with them. Even if people don’t acknowledge these parts of you they are still there within you.
Hope you feel better sometime soon.
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November 2, 2021 at 3:54 am
I came across this a few days ago. I don’t know if you remember this movie but the main character reminds me of you.
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November 2, 2021 at 6:36 am
Oh I haven’t seen that movie. I just watched this video about it, it looks good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgLSgFDMF1k
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