drowned under the words we werent saying

Is it normal to grieve someone you knew as briefly as a teardrop, or a rainbow in the sky?

I suspect what I grieve is more what we could have been.

I was in a psychiatric hospital and I met her in one of the groups.

She liked what I had to say in group.

I felt her eyes on me when I passed her in the corridor, like the heat of a fire inviting me to stop and exchange stories.

That moment never really transpired until the day of my discharge. I was outside the nurse’s station filling out paperwork, and she was using the laundry, which was shared between a number of units. She came up to me and we spoke. I remember the few things she said about herself: she lived in Port Fairy, liked badminton as well, and was feeling “emotional” about her stay. She said she was sorry we didn’t get to know each other more. I said “we still can”, and was about to invite her to coffee there and then until a terrible shyness came over me. I didn’t even ask what unit she was in. “You’re being too forward” the little demon in my head whispered to me. “What if she’s not even into you? Plus you’d be keeping your dad waiting.” I let her walk away, off to see her nurse (most likely over me). I don’t often feel a connection like this with anybody. Not listening to my intuition that she would have loved to get coffee is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I tried to extend my stay so I could have more time with her but my doctor wouldn’t let me. My doctor told me it was all just my BPD/attachment issues and a psychiatric hospital is not the place to make friends anyway. I cried an ocean after my brief encounter with that girl, and even years later the memory of her dances on my mind. The memory of a girl whose name I didn’t even know, but whose heart I did.

Shyness and fear are beasts that will keep your life tiny. Listen to your gut and listen to your heart. Be bold. If you like someone, tell them. If you want something, go for it. “Oh wells” are always better than “what ifs”.