Is it normal to grieve someone you knew as briefly as a teardrop, or a rainbow in the sky?
I suspect what I grieve is more what we could have been.
I was in a psychiatric hospital and I met her in one of the groups.
She liked what I had to say in group.
I felt her eyes on me when I passed her in the corridor, like the heat of a fire inviting me to stop and exchange stories.
That moment never really transpired until the day of my discharge. I was outside the nurse’s station filling out paperwork, and she was using the laundry, which was shared between a number of units. She came up to me and we spoke. I remember the few things she said about herself: she lived in Port Fairy, liked badminton as well, and was feeling “emotional” about her stay. She said she was sorry we didn’t get to know each other more. I said “we still can”, and was about to invite her to coffee there and then until a terrible shyness came over me. I didn’t even ask what unit she was in. “You’re being too forward” the little demon in my head whispered to me. “What if she’s not even into you? Plus you’d be keeping your dad waiting.” I let her walk away, off to see her nurse (most likely over me). I don’t often feel a connection like this with anybody. Not listening to my intuition that she would have loved to get coffee is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I tried to extend my stay so I could have more time with her but my doctor wouldn’t let me. My doctor told me it was all just my BPD/attachment issues and a psychiatric hospital is not the place to make friends anyway. I cried an ocean after my brief encounter with that girl, and even years later the memory of her dances on my mind. The memory of a girl whose name I didn’t even know, but whose heart I did.
Shyness and fear are beasts that will keep your life tiny. Listen to your gut and listen to your heart. Be bold. If you like someone, tell them. If you want something, go for it. “Oh wells” are always better than “what ifs”.
November 21, 2021 at 11:36 pm
Oh god, so many god damn times I put up with myself doing this. Of course I’m a guy so I have to be held to a higher standard. People regard me as a threat even when that’s not the case. That’s why I am required to shut up and walk away. With you though the medical staff might have thought that they have to say that to you for liability reasons.
Even if she might have rejected you that happens to practically everyone. Rejection is the price we pay to connect. A word of optimism though, you might have BPD but people will not usually consider you to have ill intent. There might be nothing you can do now about her but the next time you meet someone you’d like to spend time with just ask yourself “what is the worst that could happen?” They tell you that they don’t like you? They say that they don’t want to spend time with you? So what?
Rejection is not a sign that there is something wrong with you. Maintaining your self-respect and trying again, maybe with lessons learned about people and yourself, is the true test of you as a person. Sorry to rant. Stay positive if you can.
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