People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have been described as the emotional equivalent of a third degree burn victim. We have no skin which means every little thing that goes wrong is excruciating. When I started DBT, we were taught that BPD sufferers have a lower baseline mood than other people. This, I believe, is from a lifetime of trauma, chipping away at us like water wears away rock. As Trading Yesterday sings, “A million miles have led me to this place, Where all I’ve ever loved has been erased, Changing my song to a disenchanted lullaby”. BPD is depression, and more. We are already barely hanging on, so any setback easily tips us into crisis.
Today I feel like I’ve been tossed around and around in a tornado, spat out and left flat on the ground. Mum and I have an old wifi router down in the garage. I use this router to visit someone on Animal Crossing: Wild World who lives on the other side of the world. I could never get the router in the house to work. Today I found out that the old router has been phased out and the wifi has been cut. I was absolutely devastated. My day was ruined, not that it was good to begin with. My dad needed my help with something and I could not help him. I could do nothing, it completely consumed me. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I am somebody who collapses violently inwards and struggles to show anything on the outside.
I did some research on the internet and found a way to get Animal Crossing’s wifi function working using my phone’s hotspot function. I also found out I could use the router in the house afterall, I just had to change its security settings. I was so relieved. I was able to help my dad and carry on with my day. My mood was even bright enough that I changed into one of my favourite dresses and went for a night walk. But as I was walking, a car came, and when I moved to the side of the road my dress caught on a shrub and ripped. Down I went, like I was riding an insane rollercoaster. I continued to inspect the tear in my dress. I couldn’t let it go, even after my mum said she could iron a patch on the back to stop it from tearing further. Meanwhile, I was tearing. I kept thinking if only I had of left the house a few seconds later then this wouldn’t have happened. If only this, if only that. I finally told myself to write about it, so here I am.
BPD is a horrible condition to have, especially with all its comorbidities, such as OCD (BPD sufferers have, on average, five other mental illnesses). We experience such violent and frightening mood swings that we often fear for our sanity. I’m probably going to have to take a bunch of benzos to sleep tonight. Here’s to another depressing post. I hope at least it is an eye opener, helping to raise some awareness about BPD and mental health.
January 12, 2022 at 10:03 pm
I feel so bad when I hear you say things like this. I know what it’s like to have a strong reaction when a seemingly simple thing doesn’t go right. I am reminded of something though.
You thought only if you left the house a few seconds later. A few seconds later something much worse might have happened. You might have encountered another car. But you didn’t. You might have been injured by that one. But you weren’t. Not like it’s my business but I’m glad that your dress was the only casualty. I know that doesn’t exactly make you feel better about it but outside of the dress you can feel good that you’re still in good shape.
Your BPD can make you feel horrible about certain things but it can’t make you feel bad about everything.
January 13, 2022 at 4:53 am
That is a great perspective. Thanks!