Losing connection with this world is an eerie feeling which haunts me a lot. I don’t work like the rest of the population and have fled the city after my mental health team put an involuntary hospital order on me. I was already getting pretty unhinged, feeling like life is a dream, that no one else really existed, and perhaps even slipping into psychosis again. I am alone now and I no longer have my mum telling me to get off the screen, go to bed, or wake up. It wasn’t exactly my intention to live a life completely removed from the rest of the world, it’s just kind of happened. I’m having a lot of problems sleeping and have completely reversed my sleep cycle. It’s strange being awake when the rest of the country is asleep, then sleeping when the rest of the country is awake. Then one night the neighbour left their outside light on so my bedroom was bright. It really messed with my rhythms, like day and night were all blurred. Insomnia is torture and I find it very scary because it’s like I am stuck in this world and have no escape. It is a little like the time I took too much marijuana oil and ended up in a drug-induced psychosis. I was in a completely altered state of consciousness where I thought the people I were staying with were raping me, and I could not get out. While this world I’m in now isn’t as demonic as that, it is still distressing not being able to sleep and shut off from it for a while. Last night I ended up just getting up and watching some TV at 3:30am. I felt like a rebel, like I should be soundly asleep, not up watching TV at this hour. The shows get weirder and weirder the later it gets. There were lots of massage ads, and then there was a show called Temptation Island. As somebody who is asexual, I couldn’t relate at all to being overwhelmed with lust and “temptation” for somebody because you’re stuck on an island. I felt even more disconnected from the world. Some channels had just music playing, like they play in elevators, waiting rooms and those new space aged auto toilets. Such is my life, waiting, waiting, always waiting. Waiting for sleep to come. Waiting for my life to start. Waiting to feel better so I can reply to friends or clean up all the dirty dishes sitting around here. “My life is going no where”, I texted my psychologist on Wed. Then I sat by the water and watched a bird forage for food. What a simple life birds have, I thought. Does my life have to be going anywhere? Or can I be content to just eat and chill and do whatever the hell birds and other animals do, not thinking about tomorrow or whether life has a greater purpose?

alone in the universe