Only two months ago you had the cops chase me across the country because I was so “unwell”, and you tell me I could get manic and psychotic again. Now you are saying I am doing really well and are talking about discharging me. It feels like you’re just trying to push me out the door and it is extremely invalidating of what I continue to go through. My problems are not going to just disappear overnight. This is going to be a lifelong battle and I need [inset clinic’s name]. Yes, for a few weeks I have not had a crisis. For a few weeks my suicidal thoughts haven’t been as strong. But I am far from well. My suicidal urges are a shore which has been receding and has now come back as a tsunami. I have never felt urges this strong in my life. I have been through this same pain before but instead of getting easier it only gets worse. What I am experiencing is a cumulation of trauma and I can’t believe you are considering discharging me and putting me through this again. Even the mere talk of it has been enough to set me back terribly. Do you have any idea what you have put me through? On Friday I could not get up off the ground outside and I could not speak. I wailed like I’d lost someone I love. I should have been admitted to hospital but I was not because you keep telling everyone I am really well! I have always trusted you and felt you got me but I’m not sure I do anymore. It was negligent to send me home in the state I was in (and dump the problem on my poor dad who is barely coping himself). Don’t put words in my mouth that I am doing really well and I don’t need you like I used to.
So, do you want to know what I have been through since? Do you even give a shit? I spent the rest of Friday non-verbal, suicidal and blowing my nose on the same sodden tissue because I didn’t want to leave my room to get more. I posted nine distressing songs to Facebook, and had suicide in mind when I posted “Goodbye Milky Way” by Enigma, but no one cares, and I don’t know whether you do either. I screamed at my dad when he said he was embarrassed I was going to vote in my pyjamas. I want to scream at him all the time…. I feel like such an awful person but I just want to be left alone. I can’t deal with anything: my friend calling me constantly when I’ve told her I hate the phone, the item I was going to buy online selling out. I scream and I’m spiralling out of control to the point where I might smash a window soon. I picked up some alcohol to knock me out alongside my pills. I want to get heroine too. I have never resorted to drugs and alcohol like this. I started hearing voices while falling asleep one afternoon. I had a scary near death experience. I’ve been scared… not anxiety, but gut wrenching fear, like you’re staring down a bottomless abyss. I stay in bed all day. I won’t be able to complete my new course now. My sleep is completely fucked up and I just don’t give a shit anymore. You’ve completely killed my spirits talking about discharge. I can’t see a future for myself. One of the values of peer support is hope, but I don’t know if I believe in hope. I’m just waiting to die.
I feel punished for getting a little bit better. I just need security that you’ll be there. If you want to close some cases I’m sure there are plenty of people in your service who don’t want to be there! Maybe one day we can meet once a month instead of fortnightly and I can call you when I need. But closing my case completely is not in my interests. It would be extremely traumatic and wrong. I am not someone with an illness that can be fixed and sent on my merry way.
If you were to discharge me I can only see two options for me. Kill myself, or cut all ties with every mental health professional and try and assemble some kind of life from the rubble alone. I don’t know which one I’ll choose. I just want this cycle of trauma/separation to end once and for all.
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