“Oh you told me I was stronger, but I can’t remember how to be strong without you.” Margot Todd, “I’m Not Ready To Say Goodbye”

The world keeps spinning on. Another Christmas. Another year. But I am standing sill. All the meaningless greetings wash over me like the tide. “Merry Christmas”, “Happy new year”, “Have a safe new year”. They are all empty words which people need to stop saying because this is not a happy season for many people. I’m sure I’m not the only grinch out there. I don’t want to have a “safe” new year. I want to be dead.

This season reminds me that I am not a part of my case worker’s life, and he is not really part of mine. We can never spend Christmas together. He has his own life and his own family, and is away right now spending time with them. In six months time I may not even be part of his work life. He will become yet another stranger who’s run off with all my secrets.

I can’t see my life without him. I try to imagine going back to the beach or to the farm in Castlemaine but it won’t be the same. He will no longer be on the other end of the phone when things go pear shaped. Any attempt at moving on with life just feels wrong.

I’m in pain everyday. Going out and being around people doesn’t make it go away either. The pain is like a ghost following me around everywhere. It is something only I can see. People tell me I look well. I think I confuse people because I have happy personality. But as soon as I got home today I went to bed with painkillers.

Everything about this is lonely. This evening I got a text from someone saying “Hello?” because it’s taken me a day to reply. It’s like no one can see that I’m drowning, that I’m barely managing to put one foot in front of the other. They continue to demand more from me. People say they’re there for you but then don’t want you to talk about suicide with them. No body gives you flowers, even though you are losing a loved one. I don’t know many people who understand how losing a mental health worker can hurt so much.