I’ve been meaning to write a post about healing the loss of your favourite person, but I am so sick right now. I’m trying to fix a completely upside down sleep pattern where I’m awake all night then sleep all day until 6pm. If it was winter time here, I would literally be living in the dark. I am also very sick physically. I’m not sure why. It’s not covid. I can only put it down to my emotional state and how dysregulated I’ve become. I managed to sleep last night but woke up this afternoon nauseous and with a bad headache. I went back to bed this evening and felt dreadful. It felt like hormones were running riot in my body. I couldn’t work out if it was anxiety or a physical illness. I then started thinking about Jordan, my case worker who I’ve been writing about endlessly. He will be back on Wednesday. I have an appointment with him and I’ve been dreading it. He has been away for a few weeks and it’s actually been good to get some space from him. The fight to keep me on their books has been on pause because of the holidays. As I thought about him and the impending loss I felt really distressed again. I lay there wishing I would die. I even cried a bit, which I don’t usually do. It’s all so horrible, he is like the best and the worst thing to happen to me! I dream about him and I wish we were friends or partners. But I may not even be able to see him as a professional soon.

When I get up, my legs ache from dancing all night the other night. Gotta love BPD… one minute you’re dancing, the next you’re bed bound and suicidal.

I will end this post with just two self-care tips, which also help with healing the loss of your favourite person. The first tip is to always ask yourself “What do I need in this moment?” I asked myself this just last night. I wanted to blog, but what I really needed was to go to bed.

The second tip is something I learnt in my peer support work course. It is to come up with a “Plan A” and “Plan B” for self-care. “Plan A” is what ideally we’d be doing to look after ourselves, so we are better able to look after others. “Plan B” is when life or our mental health gets in the way. Instead of letting our self-care go down the gutter completely, we can try and do a little bit of self-care, or do something that is more manageable. For example, for me “Plan A” involves brushing my teeth twice a day, once with the manual toothbrush and once with the electronic. “Plan B” involves or a quick, 3-minute brush with the electronic toothbrush when I get up and go to bed. This is because I find the electronic toothbrush easier than manually brushing my teeth. Another example is going for a walk. My mind tends to be a bit black and white. I think if I can’t get to the park to walk then I won’t walk at all. So my “Plan B” is to walk around the block. My final example is when it comes to this post. I feel the need to write, but it is late and I am too sick to write a long post. So I am just writing a shorter post about how I’m doing.

Leave me a comment and tell me what your “Plan A” and “Plan B” for self-care is!