I am somebody who requires a lot of space, and I can only have people in my life who will respect this about me. Right now I hate people so much. I just want to run away to the country and never return. I could not sleep last night so got up and checked Facebook. I received this message from somebody who I met online:

“It’s hard enough that I have to wait days, weeks, or even months to hear from you! The people who actually care about you deserve better than that because you are and always will be a part of our world and there really are people who love you or will love you one day so love us too! We badly need it!”

My response was as follows:

“That’s too bad, but it’s not my problem. I don’t owe you anything. I have tried to tell you I need space, but you continue to demand more from me. You don’t seem to care at all about me. You don’t accept me for who I am. I am right in the middle of a trauma and I do not need a manipulative message like this pressuring me into responding when I am already giving as much as I have to give. I was about to write to you but now I think it’s best if we go our separate ways for both of our wellbeing. I cannot be the kind of friend you want me to be.”

I genuinely wish this person love and happiness, and I hope he finds the closeness he needs. I feel some sadness ending the relationship but I think it is for the best.

All this didn’t help me to sleep last night. When I finally fell asleep I had a nightmare about being locked in an old asylum run by sadistic nurses. They forced me to take 50mg of olanzapine (the max dose is usually 20mg) and poured cold water on me to wake me up each morning. I suddenly woke up and have never been so relieved. I got back to sleep, but only for a short while before the neighbour woke me up with his blower. This has been the third or fourth time in a row he has woken me. Unfortunately it is during the day so he is within his rights to make noise. It just sucks that I can’t sleep when I need to.

I need a lot of bed rest at the moment. I went to bed at 7:30pm today. Just as I had fallen asleep my dad came to my door and asked if I was ok. I absolutely hate this question because the answer is always the same: no. I wish people would stop asking me if I’m ok and instead tell me something like “I know you are not ok”. But I did not want to hear anything this evening. I was asleep and it woke me up. I am finding it really hard to live with someone right now. I really need my own space. Even though it is my dad, someone I have known all my life, I cannot relax in his presence. I feel so much better when he has gone out and I have the house to myself. I love sitting up in the wee hours of the morning because the world has gone to sleep. When I am sad my dad comforts me physically but it just makes me cringe. I hate being touched by just about anyone.

This post reminds me of an article I read proposing a 6th love language. This is space. There is a great article about this here, where Jessica explains “If you love someone, sometimes you have to leave them alone”, as counterintuitive as this may seem. When a person lovingly gives me space they instantly win my heart.

My need for space can be understood through Myers Briggs. I am an INFP, and very high on the introversion scale. It could also be part of my autism or depression. But there is even more to it. I have something called “Schizoid Personality Disorder”, which is a little complicated to describe, so I will just refer you to the song “I Am A Rock” by Simon & Garfunkel. I have the odd combination of BPD and Schizoid PD. I have written a lot about my BPD on this blog but little about Schizoid PD. I am tired and have a headache so I will just post a few links to some of Elinor Greenberg’s articles for now. The first one is called “How Do You Treat Schizoid Personality Disorder With Therapy?” The second is “What Everyone Ought to Understand About Schizoid Personality Disorder”. And the third is “How Schizoid Disorders Interfere With Intimate Relationships”. These articles have helped me understand why I only develop feelings for professionals. This is because these are “partial” relationships. They have tight boundaries, which are both what I hate and what allows me to get close. I am 30 and have never had a romantic relationship. I hope one day I might be able to develop feelings for someone who is not a professional, ideally someone who requires the same level of space as me.