I want to meet new people but I don’t. I look for people on dating sites, but sadness and emptiness creeps in like the cool autumn nights. I’m not over Jordan, and I don’t know if I even want to get over him. Someone wrote on Facebook once that when you start to move on with your life, it means that you have accepted what has happened and the memories start to fade slightly. I can’t accept what has happened. No one will ever replace him. No one will know me like he did. I miss the way he spoke to me. I miss the way he held me without touching me. I miss his mannerisms, and I even miss our differences. He’s the last person I’d expect to see at an ecstatic dance party, but I liked that about him. I miss him badgering me to take my meds, which I am now coming off of in spite. He was my best friend. I have never felt so cared for and safe as when I was with Jordan. He was, quite possibly, the love of my life, and I don’t know how that can even be when I am gay. “You’re in love with a fantasy”, a little voice says back. “He was your mental health worker… of course he presented the best version of himself to you”. And that was what drove the nail in the coffin. I fell in love with my mental health worker.

Everything seems fine on the surface. I’ve been going out more, I’ve returned to badminton, I post selfies to Facebook, my weight is not too low, and I haven’t bounced back into hospital. Everyone would say I’m better. But the forest is a different place at night. Behind closed doors I still cry for Jordan. And even worse, I get trapped in the most awful dreams and cannot wake up. I try screaming, I try running, but I just return to the same place and the same monsters, just like El in Stranger Things 4 (Chapter 5: The Nina Project). The man in my dream wanted to rape me. These people, whoever they were, took delight in the fact that I couldn’t get away. I have never experienced anything so sadistic in my life. It is torture. These “dreams” where I cannot wake up have been happening for about a year now. The first time I remember experiencing them was when I took too much marijuana oil, became psychotic and thought the people I were staying with were raping me. I kept screaming trying to “wake up” and I tried to run away from them but I couldn’t get away. The dreams happen seemingly out of no where. So I don’t really know how I am right now.