I thought I was doing better, and would no longer require any more hospital admissions. But a few weeks ago things began to snowball again. I had an awful night where I was getting brain shocks all night. I finally took some sleeping pills, which succeeded at getting me to sleep. But then I had a dream where I was being held hostage in a house, which was in a forest. I sensed something very dark here. These people, whoever they were, wanted to do all kinds of messed up things to me. “Not here, again” I thought. I have had similar dreams and experiences while in altered states of consciousness, and I have been unable to wake up from them. It is pure torture. Pure evil. There is something different about these dreams. They feel more real. I don’t know if they are memories/flashbacks. Well the house was empty at one point, so I decided to run away. My clothes were being ripped off me as I ran. Then I managed to wake up. It was 5:30am. I was so scared and shaken by the dream that I tried calling psych triage, but no one answered. Maybe that was a good thing as I doubt they’d understand. They’d think I’m crazy going on about demonic entities attacking me in my sleep. I cried when I told my psychologist about the dream, believing that I was reliving memories of how I died in a past life, or that I had been raped at some point, though I wasn’t sure when or by who. On my way home I was stuck in heavy traffic and nearly had a panic attack. Everything felt unreal.

From that point onwards things got worse and worse. Like the dream, I felt trapped and hopeless. I had a massage 6 months ago. My body experienced it as unsafe, painful and traumatic. I have been left with chronic pain down my arms, legs, feet, hands, fingers and toes ever since. I thought it might be a pinched nerve, and could be easily fixed. But I was told by a physiotherapist that the issue is more complex and I probably have fibromyalgia. The prospect of having to live with this pain for the rest of my life made me want to end my life. One night I was so distressed I went to bed early with a whole lot of diazepam and sleeping pills. I just wanted to knock myself out, and I didn’t care if I died. The next day I felt horrendous. I couldn’t stand being around anyone, and was ready to bite my dad’s head off when he arrived home. All week I felt like I had butterflies thrashing about in my stomach. I thought it was just my PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder), and things would get better once I got my period, but they did not. I was also exhausted from lack of sleep. I don’t expect to sleep at night anymore. Most nights I fall asleep at sunrise.

My psychologist saw me last Friday, and wanted to put some extra supports in place. It was a little too late though. By Saturday my deteriorating mental state had turned into an avalanche. I couldn’t deal with anything. I had a market stall the following day which came at really bad timing as I was in the middle of a break down. I was so stressed getting ready for it. They had also allocated me a spot inside, which was adding to my stress as crowds and no space is the recipe for a panic attack. My anxiety was so bad I could feel the stress chemicals raging through my body. I was forgetting things, forgetting how to start/turn off the car, driving without lights on Saturday night, giving the person at the supermarket the wrong receipt when I went to return something. Everything was so hard. I crammed some dirty chairs into my car which I found in my Mum’s garden. I had nothing left in me to clean them. Then as I was driving they went CLUNK, CLUNK, making me jump each time. Everything was frustrating me. The last straw was arriving home in a heap and then having the dog next door barking. It felt like being kicked while already on the ground. I cursed at the dog to shut up.

I felt like I had been pushed off the edge of the cliff I had been standing on the past few weeks. I started hearing noises. Thumps, gates being opened. I tried telling myself that it was Sat night and people are probably just out and about, but it still scared the shit out of me. I kept thinking someone was sneaking around the house trying to get in. I was in the kitchen and the drops of water looked like ants running down the side of the tap. I was losing my fucking mind. I told myself just do some self-care… eat something, make a few more cards for the market then call it a night. But I kept hearing noises and it was freaking me out. I tried writing an email to my psychologist, but the email would not send. I was freaking out because I felt cut off from help. Then I noticed my phone was on flight mode, for some strange reason. I must have absent-mindedly turned it on; I was completely out of it. I finally took some diazepam and the noises stopped.

I probably should have been in hospital these past few weeks, but I didn’t want to miss out on the market. It is only held once a year, and unlike most markets, this one was during the evening when I am more awake. My badges, which raise awareness about mental health, neurodivergence and LGBT, also fit in nicely with the ethical theme of the market (one of their selection criteria was artists who represent marginalised communities).

I am so glad I hung in there as the market was totally worth it. The organisers moved my stall outside. People loved my badges, kids and adults. It was so fulfilling to share them with people, and it was bonus to earn $200. I couldn’t have done it without my friend who managed the money side of things. She has a background in retail so was very good at this. My parents also helped transport stuff and brought us food. Another friend also kindly helped pay for dinner. These are things which make me want to stick around on this planet.

They say when you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up. But in my experience the ground can continue to cave in from under you at any moment. Right now I need to eliminate all stress, and perhaps consider an admission to hospital now that the market’s over. I really hope things get a bit better.

If anyone reading this is interested in my badges, they can be bought on etsy here.