hsphaven

“I am tattered, I am tired I am worn and uninspired. They say You don’t give us more than we can handle, but I’m right on the edge.” Sparrows Rising – Father Help Me

Life likes to beat me when I’m already on the ground. As if losing my psychologist of four years wasn’t enough, I am now locked out of my Facebook account. It says the password is incorrect. Then I select the option to get a code sent to my email address to reset my password. Sometimes I don’t even get an email, and when I do get the code and type it in it says “The number that you’ve entered doesn’t match your code. Please try again.” I have gone round and round in circles it is maddening. Apparently Facebook crashed recently, but most people have been able to get their accounts back already.

I don’t know why the universe is doing this to me. Maybe it is a harsh way of getting me to shed all that is no longer serving me, like the leaves on the trees will soon start to fall as autumn arrives. I was actually thinking recently of deactivating my Facebook account. I don’t like supporting a platform that is run by robots and suppresses freedom of speech. I also felt the need to withdraw as I grieve my psychologist, or the person I thought she was anyway. But I was addicted to Facebook. It feels like all my coping mechanisms are being ripped away from me.

When I think about it there was little worthwhile on Facebook anyway. I have the numbers of most of my true friends. Not many people responded to my posts. And I can access those groups I got something out of, such as the group for clients harmed by therapy, by making another account. I was the admin for my Complex PTSD group on Facebook which people posted in quite a bit. I’m still figuring out what I can do about that group. But it will probably do my mind some good to spend less time on Facebook. Last night I went to the beach after everyone had gone home, and the stillness of the night was very healing. It gave me some clarity on what I might need to do now. I was thinking I may need to get out of Melbourne for a while. Too much trauma has happened here.

I have read about spiritual emergencies, and what I’m going through sounds like the “Dark Night of the Soul”. The following extract is from Wikipedia:

“The term “dark night of the soul” can be used as a synonym for a crisis of faith. More generally, it is “used informally to describe an extremely difficult and painful period in one’s life”.

This crisis may endure for a long time. The “dark night” of St. Paul of the Cross in the 18th century endured 45 years, from which he ultimately recovered. The dark night of Mother Teresa, whose own name in religion she selected in honor of Thérèse of Lisieux, “may be the most extensive such case on record”, having endured from 1948 almost until her death in 1997, with only brief interludes of relief, according to her letters.

Other authors have made similar references:

Inayat Khan states, “There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.” Joseph Campbell states “The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.”

Roberto Assagioli states:

Before the full and final victory, however, the soul has to undergo another test: it must pass through the “dark night” which is a new and deeper experience of annihilation, or a crucible in which all the human elements that go to make it up are melted together. But the darkest nights are followed by the most radiant dawns and the soul, perfect at last, enters into complete, constant and inseparable communion with the Spirit, so that – to use the bold statement employed by St John of the Cross – “it seems to be God himself and has the same characteristics as him”.”

Sarah Regan has written a great article about The Dark Night of the Soul here. She talks about the different stages. I am definitely at Stage 3. Rock Bottom:

“The entire dark night of the soul is not easy, but at rock bottom (or the bottom of the aforementioned inverted bell curve) it’s going to feel like a breaking point or threshold of pain. Kaiser says this is typically the darkest time in someone’s life.

You may become emotionally numb, lose friends and family, isolate, and/or numb through addictions during this time, she notes, adding, “Often in this phase, family and friends abandon us. This phase turns into the darkest hours of our life, but it will also teach us a valuable lesson if we are open to receive it.”