hsphaven

It’s 9:30AM and I’m still awake. I didn’t sleep all night again due to my shopping compulsion, and I’m not even tired. I think the screen kills all the melatonin in my brain. I don’t know what my dad makes of my erratic hours, up all night and even during the morning now. I went to use the bathroom at the other end of the house and heard the neighbour making noise with a whipper snipper or something again. They will make noise as soon as they are legally able to. It really distressed me, especially as I have told them I am sick, have trouble sleeping at night and need to sleep during the day. It distresses me to the point I have nightmares about being woken by them now. I need the safety of being able to sleep when I can without being woken by a selfish, privileged prick.

The laptop is calling me again, so here I am, back again. Instead of shopping, I’d like to write another post, this time about Pete, an older guy I met when I started university who was sexually harassing me. Pete’s been on my mind lately. Saturday, when I actually managed to get some sleep, I had this weird dream about him. I dreamt one of the uni buildings was actually a brothel. This was the building I saw my first counsellor at. I dreamt that I lived on her floor, and downstairs at the spiritual centre all the Muslims were having sex. And I was upset because I didn’t know it was a brothel. And then I told Pete’s friend Andrew that I was moving away, which he passed onto Pete who was then upset. And then I felt bad for upsetting Pete, because I still wanted him to like me. I was also a bit scared about what he was going to do, and thought it would have been better to just leave and not tell anyone. But deep down I knew I would never actually leave because I wasn’t able to, and I didn’t know why I lied to Pete’s friend. Did I actually WANT Pete to come grappling after me?

Then, like the changing scenes of a movie, I had another dream where I was in a bar with some friends and other people. I was trying to play match maker, hoping one of my friends would click with a guy who I knew was a good guy, unlike the guy she’s crushing on right now who is a dick. Then the place was being missiled or something and we were told to seek refuge in the ocean. I flew up into the sky, travelled over the ocean, and landed on another island, thinking I’d passed into another life.

This is an email I wrote to the club I met Pete through back when I was at university:

“Dear Andrew and others,

I realise there is disappointment within the club that I did not attend the BBQ with Janice Rice. I am sorry, especially to you Andrew, that I was not able to attend the event. I know how much work is involved with organising for guests to come out, and I appreciate how disappointing and embarrassing it can feel if so few people end up attending. I’m sorry I was one of those people who didn’t attend. However I would like to clarify that this was not my intention. It was my understanding that the event would run until 3:30. Therefore, while I had another commitment earlier that day, I thought I could still attend at least some of the event with Janice Rice. I continued onto [university name] with the intention of joining and was sorry to hear that Janice had already left by the time I got to [university].

I hope you will accept my apologies.

Zoe”

I got this reply back from Pete:

“Dear Zoe

By the way I was involved in organizing the Janet Rice BBQ, Just like  I was involved in organizing the Sam Dunn dinner( how do you think we were able to pay for the dinner). With no sign of appreciation or thanks from you ( saying “thanks” when I hand you $50 doesn’t cut it) and sadly that’s what I expect from you now. When I said you are a wonderful person with a great personality I wasn’t lying; there was a time when I felt that way and I’m sure  you still possess those qualities you just don’t display them to me anymore. After seeing you at the Sam Dunn dinner, I felt sorry for you and thought that maybe if I reminded you of the way I felt about you it might help you feel better about yourself. Even save our friendship. But now  I except that it is gone and sadly the Zoe I once knew seems to be  gone too. I made things hard for myself by believing  you when you said you  loved me. I think your too scared and selfish to truely love someone at the moment. You have treated me like shit for too long now and I have lost  respect for you.Which really pisses me off. You have an amazing capacity  to justify your own bullshit. You never seem to  honor the emotions you state to me. Im sure your capable I just don’t feel it. Even after  you said that you had accepted my apologies and you were glad to still be friends. But when I saw you next you virtually  ignored me and really went out of your way to avoid talking to me or even acknowledgement of my existence.  I just cannot understand or respect those actions or attitude. I fear you are in a downward spiral and there is not a thing I can do about it.. Its time you stopped deluding yourself in thinking you can help people who have serious problems when you haven’t developed the skills too resolve the problems you have in your own life. I know I’ve done everything I can to make things right between us. Can you say the same?  I don’t want to be subjected to your fears and anxiety. Retreating from conflict only creates more conflict. Issues will always remain until they are resolved and that doesn’t happen until you address them. I can’t believe I have to say this to you, it’s so fucking obvious. I’m not trying to be mean but your confidence and happiness  seems to be non existent ( judging from the Sam Dunn dinner) and it really fucken saddens me too see you like this and knowing there is nothing I can do about it. It is depressing to care for someone who doesn’t  care for you. If your not already it’s time for you to seek some outside help. I would recommend a psychologist., You and I both know the catalyst for your lack of trust and confidence. I really liked the sound of the person you told me you used to be before you let  those fucked up bitches make you a target of their insecurities. A daring, adventurous, confident happy, Zoe, I would like to meet that person one day. Don’t be afraid to admit you need help, we all do. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but  you will always be in my heart. I hope you find the happiness you re looking for, with or without me. Remember your happiness is not in the past or the future. Its in the here and now.  Your dreams are yours alone and don’t you dare let anyone take them from you or make you feel like your not worthy in anyway.

Love Peter

P.s I told Andrew he needs to take a break from the Greens club and focus on getting he’s health right . I hope you will be able to take on more responsibility in the club next year . I will be gone and I am trying to get Andrew to move on. The club needs new members with fresh idea’s and I think you would do a good job if you have the passion”

Sometimes I can see where Pete was coming from in the email. I should have addressed it using all the members’ names, rather than dismissing him as “others” (which, though was not my intention, was waving a red flag to a bull), or just wrote the email to Andrew, the group’s president. Pete was right, I was avoiding him and I did say things to him that weren’t true, like that I accepted his apology and that I loved him. I didn’t really know the meaning of the word love back then and I should never have added wood to the fire. My Complex PTSD had turned me into a people pleaser, as Pete Walker, leading psychotherapist in the field of trauma, writes about when he describes the “4 Fs”: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn (people please). I know my old mate Pete abused me time and time again, but I still think about him and even miss him. We bonded quickly when we met at Club’s Day. We were on the same wavelength intellectually and after chatting for a good while we hugged. I remember that connection I first felt with him, and walking away hoping I’d see him again. He was my friend, and he could have been something more if he had of respected me. Can men control themselves? I don’t know what it’s like to have overwhelming sexual feelings for someone. I have wanted to track him down again, but another friend who was also part of the club advised me not to, saying Pete has treated other girls the same way he treated me (despite Pete saying I was pretty much the only one he had a connection with).

Sometimes I wonder whether Pete really loved me, or more the shy, broken, unassertive, push over version of me. When I finally put my foot down this is the aggression I get. I am made out to be a fucked up, pitiful person. He kept trying to manipulate me back into the abusive cycle, for instance through gift giving and making up with me. He didn’t like me hanging out with other male friends. He yelled at me when I stopping catching a ride home with him from club meetings, leaving me in tears. He tried to corner me on my own all the time. He stalked me home on the train one night, but to his disappointment I was riding home with a friend and then my mum was waiting at the other end to pick me up. I was anxious being at home for a while as I thought he was going to rock up at the house next and beat me up like he beat up a guy at the station who bumped into him. I am very lucky to get away without more damage. 

I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. I keep thinking that maybe he was going to finally change and it was mean of me to cut contact with him. But I recon he would have date raped me if he got the chance. I think his advances would have kept getting worse and worse. He brought alcohol along one night when we went to a park together probably hoping he could get me drunk and rape me. 

A wise person once said to me that when “love” becomes imposing, ignores boundaries, demands the other reciprocates, won’t say the hard truth because it fears hurting feelings etc., that is not love anymore. That’s fear disguised as love. And with those words I will end this post.