It’s been a wild ride lately with some pretty dramatic shifts in energy and mood. I have been seeing double digits everywhere, particularly the number five. According to one source, “in spiritual contexts, the number 5 often symbolizes change, freedom, adventure, and adaptability, representing a willingness to embrace new experiences and challenges.”

I’ve been cycling so rapidly I feel like a ragdoll being tossed about in the sea. One minute I’m falling asleep on my physio’s massage table, the next I have so much energy I’m pulverising everyone at badminton, the next I’m ready to smash a window, the next I want to bawl my eyes out, the next I’m drowning in sadness, the next I feel connected to everyone, the next I feel connected to no one, the next I’m on cloud nine, the next I’m nauseous and faint from anxiety and can feel all the chemicals ripping apart my insides, and the next I’m in pure physical hell. This can all happen in the course of a single day.

I have been having what I believe to be a spiritual ascension. There is a great article about five different types of spiritual ascensions on lonerwolf.com

The ones most relevant to me are “2. Awakening of a New Personality”, and “3. Awakening of Spiritual Energy”.

The awakening of a new personality involves getting in touch with repressed, ignored or shunned parts of the personality, honouring them and integrating them to create more wholeness. For me this involves sensual and sexual parts of me, and child parts. There is also another side of me that I can feel coming through… the person I am beyond mental illness. Sometimes when we have been suffering for so long, illness and darkness can come to define us, and we don’t know who we are outside of all that. I spent a couple of hours at my favourite ayurvedic restaurant one night taking creative photos for their promotions. In that moment I felt more like myself. Ethnic music, similar to that played at ecstatic dance parties, danced in the background. I was surrounded by lanterns, healing tinctures in little glass potion bottles, crystals, salt lamps and lanterns. I was transported to another world, inspired by all the exotic countries the couple who run the restaurant have visited. 

As I wrote in my last post, my dress has changed a bit to reflect the changes happening within me, and I am no longer covering up.

The awakening of spiritual energy involves the activation of life force energy. This can be a pretty intense experience:

An awakening of spiritual energy can feel mild all the way to extreme. (And when I say extreme, I mean intensely overwhelming and often too much to bear.) Common signs of an awakening of spiritual energy involve feelings of enhanced vitality and energy on the physical level, energy rushes, tingling and electrical feelings throughout the body, changes in sexual libido, sharpened awareness, and feelings of cosmic interconnectedness. Negative symptoms can also arise (for the uninitiated) such as mood swings, mania, physical hypersensitivity, insomnia, seizures, loss of appetite or overeating, extreme and scary altered states of consciousness – just to name a few.

I have definitely had most of the negative symptoms. I have been feeling the mania coming back, and the panic attacks that can be part of mania. This time it has been manageable, though, as I am not on any drugs like stimulants that will crank it up to a point where it becomes scary. I have started taking olanzapine though to aid with some of these negative symptoms. I finally slept last night. I fell asleep around 8:30pm in my clothes and didn’t brush my teeth. I then woke up at 8am today, my erratic sleep patterns surprising my dad. But it was like a much needed cool change, dampening down the fire.

Sadly, I’ve had a bit of a falling out with one of my closest friends. These are the messages that were sent recently.

Quite honestly, I am in shock and hurt. I don’t feel I deserve any of this. Aren’t I allowed to have other friends? I am barely keeping afloat. I shouldn’t be expected to give what little social energy I have all to one person. She’s acting like we’re in a fucking relationship. I can’t deal with this. SHE actually cancelled our plans as well. She said she had study to do. It was a joint decision not to meet the other weekend. I actually expressed an interest in meeting the Saturday but she declined.

I haven’t been replying as I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed, and continuing to receive more and more messages from this friend has honestly been adding to it. I am still happy for her to message me, so I didn’t say anything to her, but she may have picked up on my irritability, which was really less about her and more about the fact I just wasn’t coping in general.  

I’m sad as this friend was one of my closest friends. Just because I don’t reply for a bit doesn’t change that. I would like to talk about this with her instead of sticking it on my blog, but she seems to have blocked me. I find it immature that she has not even given me a chance to reply.

Anyways, that’s all I really want to say in this post. It is the equinox, a significant time spiritually, though also a rough time, especially for ritual abuse victims as the equinox is a common ritual abuse date. It is important to hydrate and make rest and reset a top priority during this time. The energy lately is bringing a lot of old energy in the emotional body to the surface to be cleared. Some things are falling apart by divine intervention. It is said that when we change, the people around us change. We meet people where we are at spiritually, and we lose those who no longer match our frequency. I don’t know if this is what’s happening with my friend. I hope not. She was cheering me on with my memoir, which is in the editing process right now. I thought she supported where I am at in my spiritual path, and accepted that I am not the quickest to respond because that’s just, well, me. I’m like this with all my friends.