Weekends are always particularly shit for some reason. I relapsed with the alcohol on Sat night. I was in so much pain, more emotionally than physically. I felt so alone. I fear I will never be able to fill this hunger inside of me. I took pills and drank until I was hazy and felt like a ghost. The warmth numbed my ear pain and it was nice to be in an altered state where I didn’t have to feel my body, though I could still hear my stomach carrying on. I think hearing is the last sense to go. Finally I fell asleep. I tried my best not to overdo it with the alcohol. I could have done a lot worse. It was no where near as bad as last year’s overdoses, but I still drank too much and it’s just made everything worse. I’m scared my body’s never going to be the same after Saturday’s drinking. I have so much regret, but I just couldn’t talk myself out of it at the time, even though I knew it was toxic. I’m still fucked from my overdoses last year which left me with POTS, a tremor and a bounding pulse. I’m thinking of leaving my alcohol at my mum’s house so I don’t do it again.

The next day I was an emotional wreck, as I have been for a while now. It took a lot of self-restraint not to throw things, smash things, kick things, and slam doors. I want to throttle my dad whenever he’s near me. I want to cry all the time. I can’t sleep as I’m so distressed. I’m scared these new issues which have come on since Saturday are never going to pass. I turned to my physio again.

“I wish I’d die,” I wrote in an email. “I can’t stand being in this body.”

“It does seem to be a cycle doesn’t it, weekends seem much harder for you,” he wrote back. “Focus on the improvements you’re making, they’re evidence that we’re headed in the right direction.. Remember we can only treat you if you stay alive. Careful with the booze and pills. Chat soon.”

Last night I texted a friend.

“Do you wanna go get Lord of the Fries or something tonight (I just made a typo and it said Lord of the Cries, which is actually rather fitting given the mood I’m in)”, I wrote. I was having one of those reckless, “I don’t give a shit anymore” moods where I was ready to jump in an uber at midnight and travel to our favourite burger joint which is an hour’s away. I wanted a distraction, but when I didn’t hear back, I had a bath with patchouli essential oil and a candle and then went to bed. I managed to get some rest, and woke up this afternoon to a quiet, sunny day. Today has been a little bit better. I took some photography. Here is one of the shots.