March the 20th marked the fall equinox, which means there is equal day and equal night all over the planet. It is a time to balance, and interestingly my last post about my dependency on counsellors fell very much on this date, as well as the day I usually have counselling. I am reminded that I need to develop a good circle of friends, rather than throwing all my eggs in one basket. I need tribe. I find myself in grief as I start letting go of this relationship like an autumn tree sheds its leaves. I always get sad at this time of year. I have been in counselling for five years now but it has had quite an isolating effect on me and I have let everything else, such as friends, hobbies and study, drop away. It reminds me of the shamanic initiation process where the person is removed from their everyday life and put under the care of experienced elders, a cocoon where the transformation takes place. The person then returns to their society a shaman and leader. What I’d like to know is how does one reintegrate into the world after having such an experience, a prolonged period of poor mental or physical health, or a “shamanic crisis” as they put it? When the world asks where you have been and what you have been doing, how do you begin to explain that to them? I don’t know whether it was my recent stay in the bush, or my break from counselling, but when I went to badminton yesterday, which I’ve recently picked up again, I felt as though I’d crossed into another dimension. I have plans to see an old friend from uni later today at the place I used to study, and it’s going to be very weird going back there. Yesterday I was not ok. I’m not sure whether it was sadness or fear I was experiencing, but it was intense whatever it was, which prompted me to look up how things are astrologically (I also discovered it’s a new moon). I need a lot of support right now. It feels like that first ride we take on our bikes as children without training wheels. I’ve got to take a step back from counselling, but I haven’t developed much else to take its place, and I feel like I may not until I stop counselling, like we can’t take the training wheels half off. I don’t know how to create balance in my life while still seeing a counsellor.
So this is where I’m at. I am in the process of creating a more balanced life, and it is a very painful process at that, as it means letting go of counselling and going through the grief and the anxiety involved in that, as well as discovering who I am outside of the darkness too. I feel drawn to be close to Nature at this time, to pamper myself with lavender baths, to be creative, to take plenty of breaks rather than doing something all at once, to see a few different friends and deepen these relationships, and to commence a “fall cleaning” as Susan Levitt puts it here, removing clutter from my room and decorating it so I have a clear, inviting and special space for myself to heal in.