I want to know if you can bear the throb of abandonment,
And not abandon your own soul.
I want to know if you can be your biggest cheerleader,
Your own knight in shining armour,
When no one is by your side.
After my evening games of badminton, if I have been playing well I will often see the shuttle as a “good” shuttle and take it home. It is hard for me to see that the magic touch, the mastery and the ability lies not in the shuttle, but myself.
After a lifetime of put downs, getting in touch with my own power and worth is something I have to work hard at. I have had this post on my mind for quite some time, and I feel there is no better time than now to write it as I, once again, find myself throwing away my power to things and people outside of myself. Many people with BPD have had what is called a “favourite person”. This is a person who will make or break your world, and can literally be the end of you. You hold them so highly and dearly it is as though they have stepped out of a fairytale. They are everything you’ve longed for. Thoughts of them become all consuming and it can feel like a drug addiction. Losing them is the most painful experience I have ever gone through. One of the best articles I have read on favourite people can be found on houeofmisfits.org. For me I rarely feel close to another human being. I have been alone for so long and found safety inside myself, so when I do form these connections, they are all the more intense. But I realise part of the reason these people seem so god-like is because I devalue myself. When we are down on the ground, anyone is going to seem higher than us. I am far from having all the answers, but something that can help manage the extreme ups and downs around a “favourite person” I’ve found is levelling the playing field. I try to remember the times this person has let me down which remind me they, too, are fallible human beings, while building up my own worth / self-love (in the beginning it may seem narcissistic, but there is a big difference between being narcissistic and having a sense of worth). Self-love is a long and difficult journey when we have not been given the roadmap, and I am not sure how helpful my suggestions are to people starting out. But some things that can help are singing your favourite love songs (“Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden is one of my favourites!) to yourself and your inner child (you might like to stick a picture of him/her on your wall), realising the qualities we like in others are often qualities which are within us too and getting in touch with that, and realising you are the expert of you… no one else. Deep down we need to return to who we are… for me this means standing barefoot on granite boulders which overlook magnificent mountains, lying on rolling, grassy hills surrounded by the sound of cattle… diving under waterfalls. That is who I am. I am the Earth and the Earth is my home. It is the same connection our traditional custodians felt and is captured in the poem ‘I Am – Aborigine’.