I am a bucket with a hole in its base. Nothing I put in will last. I turn to online dating in need of elevating but meaningful connection is scarce.
I make constant trips to the kitchen, placating the beast inside with food. Yet it continues to claw like marketers at the door, leaving me in a terrible mood.
I fill the void with shopping. I cannot close my wardrobe and drawers. Yet something’s still missing, there’s a voice that keeps hissing and I cannot tackle any chores.
I waste my days shackled to the computer. I check social media and emails like Skinner’s rat. When the bell in the corner turns red addiction is bred but in no time I’m left feeling flat.
I don’t want to do anything. Nothing brings me lasting pleasure. So I write out these woes which I call Dopamine Blues and to the psychiatrist I will endeavour.
December 17, 2021 at 8:45 pm
Yes, it’s like eating nothing but sugar. You get a spike but your stomach needs something more substantial like protein, vitamins and minerals.
I think the main problem is that these activities don’t bring the sense of accomplishment that everybody needs. People need to feel proud of themselves. Like they made a difference in some way. Constantly focusing of filling an immediate need only works temporarily then it brings that little feeling of guilt. I spent a lot of my early years not being productive, playing videogames, shut in, not interacting, not getting a job. I felt terrible after a while.
I can’t tell you what to do but it might help to think about what would make you happy. What would bring you that sense of accomplishment? It doesn’t even have to be realistic right now, you can just be imaginative. What would make you proud of yourself?