When I was in school I painted an eagle for a friend. He reminded me of an eagle as he had a real gift of sight. He was able to notice the tiniest details, and see into people. He told me something big brewed in me and he wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. I now realise it is both. My life has felt like one downward spiral. I have truly known the darkest nights of the soul. I have spent my entire 20s wanting to die. But they say the trees that are slowest to grow bear the most fruit. I feel like something is brewing in me, like a butterfly in a cocoon. At times it’s felt bad, like I’m about to go crazy, like I’m about to scream, walk in front of traffic, or my suicide fantasy is about to turn into reality. But today such an amazing part of me emerged.
The day started really crap. Today I had an appointment with my case worker, Jordan. I hadn’t seen him for ages as the clinic’s been closed due to covid, but they have just opened again. I have been in a really bad way and was really looking forward to seeing him. Today I got up early, dressed up really nice, painted my face and put on my tribal headdress to surprise him. Then I started walking to the clinic. I turned my phone on while I was walking and a message arrived. I prayed that it wasn’t from the clinic telling me Jordan wasn’t in today, but alas it was. Goddamit Jordan!!!! I really needed this appointment!!!!!!!!! Why are you so friggin unrealiable!!!!! I turned around and returned to my empty miserable life dressed up like a red Indian.
When I got home, I opened my laptop and found my “party” playlist. It wasn’t exactly congruent with my mood, but whatever. I cranked the volume up on my laptop and danced around my bedroom as though on ecstasy. The music was lifting me higher and higher. I felt like a different person. I moved different. I felt different. No longer was I tense and lifeless. I was now animated, the music breathing life into this dejected body. It was like this different kind of energy/force came over/through me. I was in a bit of a trance. I danced like the people at the ayahuasca ceremony I went to years ago danced.
I wish more people could meet this side of me. She is so FUN. I’m the only one she comes out with. Today she even told me her name: “Zara”. I looked up her name on Google and it means “radiance” and “blooming flower”. I couldn’t believe how fitting it was! She told me I’m not alone, that I have her, that she will take my hand and lead me out of this dark place once and for all, and that she will be with me while my psychologist is away. She also wrote an email to my psychologist saying “I want you to meet me”. I’ve always felt my psychologist knew the deepest, most intimate parts of myself. But it goes even deeper. Zara feels even closer to who I really am, but even my psychologist has not met her yet. She is fun, energetic, zesty, deeply spiritual and kind. I was trying to figure out who she was and she sounds a bit like my Higher Self, or Divine Nature. This article talks about the Higher Self and how to connect with it, but for me, music is the best way to reach her. Higher Power (by Coldplay), Pure Shores (by All Saints), and Aborigiman were some of the songs which helped me feel her.