I’m a ticking time bomb. This, I have felt for a very long time. These past few weeks things have become too much. I don’t know if it’s because I cut my medication, because my psychologist is taking leave, because of my mum’s cancer scare, or simply because I’m growing tired treading water, but I am not ok.
It started with thoughts of suicide which were with me almost every day. I thought it was the only way to end the pain I was in physically and emotionally. But it’s not something I truly wanted to do. At night I couldn’t sleep and had moments where I felt like I was dying. It scared me. And when I felt close to death I realised the things I’d miss. I realised there are still things keeping me here.
The thoughts of suicide have died down a bit now, but I am still far from ok. I’m turning to other things to cope. I fill the void with noise and clothes. All I do is sit on the computer all day long checking social media (but never replying), shopping, or blasting music. I can’t stop and feel out of control. Sometimes I’m driven to delirium. I own two chests of drawers which I can barely close. Nor can I close my wardrobe. It’s embarrassing. I don’t know when exactly it started, but I’ve become a hoarder.
I’m having the most violent mood swings. Any little thing is triggering a massive breakdown in me. All I wanted the other night was to sit down and watch my favourite movie, White Oleander. But I couldn’t find the DVD anywhere. It completely tipped me over the edge. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I am somebody who implodes, rather than explodes. I kind of wished an ambulance would magically arrive at my house and take me away but I knew no one’s gonna come for someone like me. My breakdowns are completely invisible to the world. And when you’re not trying to kill yourself or someone else, no one cares. I went down to the garage where my mum couldn’t hear me and smacked a pillow against the couch to get some of my rage out. I then took a bunch of sleeping pills and Valium to knock me out.
That night, I had a dream where I was at the dinner table with my family and some family friends. We were having pizza and I was picking the ham off the pizza. I didn’t understand why Mum had given me pizza with ham because she knows I’m vegetarian. There was a computer in this house but it wasn’t our computer. It was one of those really old chunky computers. “Where am I?” I screamed. Then I realised this was our old house and I had time travelled back from the future to a time before I became vegetarian even. My family didn’t know that it wasn’t their nine-year-old daughter (I’m only guessing my age… can’t remember when we first got a computer). “Where am I?” I kept screaming. “Wake up! Wake up!” I knew what was ahead of me in life and I did not want to live it all again! But I couldn’t wake up. I was stuck in the dream, stuck at this point in my life, stuck behind a veil, screaming hoping someone on the other side would hear me. I fought tooth and nail and finally my present day bedroom came into view and Ginny, the crochet otter my psychologist gave me, was next to me in bed. Ginny has a partner otter called Harry which my psychologist is keeping in her bag while she is away to remember me, a little like friendship necklaces.
I thought all the pills would knock me out for most of the next day, but I woke up at 8am. I hated that I had the whole day ahead of me so I took even more sleeping pills. Then I woke up around midday, groggy and unable to walk straight.
I hadn’t been out for a while so yesterday I thought I’d go for a swim in the lake. I got up, packed my bag, changed into my wetsuit and headed down to my car. But then I found my mum’s friend’s car parked in the driveway so I couldn’t get out (they were all out at a café). I was furious!!!! I tried to drive around it but I hit it. Once again I completely lost it. I went absolutely mental. Then they all came home and found me like this. This time I was crying. I threw my bag on the floor. I threw MYSELF on the floor. I told them over and over I can’t cope, it’s every little thing. Unfortunately it was a brand new car so my mum’s friend wants to get it fixed. It’s going to cost me $600. I’m not thinking clearly; I should have called them to see when they were coming back before trying to drive around it. I keep making stupid mistakes on the road too; I very nearly had two accidents the last fortnight.
I’m having trouble sleeping and I’m having trouble winding down at night. I have tinnitus so literally hear noise in my head. I feel so overwhelmed, my mind races and I can’t relax. I feel like I’m manic but without the good mood. I wanna go back to hospital and be looked after by kind nurses. I wanna be held and have someone stroke my hair. I wanna be off these drugs! This is hell!
Lately I’ve been wondering whether the place I’m staying at is contributing to my overwhelm. Being highly sensitive, I hear the cars outside. I feel the vibration as they go round the round-about and accelerate up the hill. I hear the neighbours. I feel my mum’s presence and sometimes I don’t know whether the stress I feel is mine or her’s. It feels like my head’s about to combust. I need to get out of here. I need my own place. I’ve been thinking of leaving Melbourne for a while. I have no commitments here. There was a farm I stayed at years ago. In exchange for staying there I had to help out on the farm. I tell myself this is what I need to do, but it also overwhelms me. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few weeks. But right now, I am going to watch White Oleander (my dad found the DVD at his house, which made my day).