hsphaven

People tell us to seek professional help when we are so depressed, distraught and suicidal over losing someone. But what happens if the person we are losing IS a professional. This kind of disenfranchised grief is something I have been dealing with since I first started seeing a counsellor at the age of 19. I have gone from therapist to therapist, presenting to each one depressed and traumatised about losing the last one. I then lose them, and the cycle continues. I’m at the point where I’m well and truly sick of it. So I will not be vouching for therapy, or conventional therapy at least. But what other things can help?

Spirituality and finding ourselves-

“I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.” Taylor Swift- I Knew You Were Trouble

Losing a favourite person is like losing a limb, or even worse, losing one’s soul. We need to find who we are outside of this person. For me, I got this sense immediately when I stepped inside a shop in Warburton called “Treehouse: Nature & Healing”. I believe we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe life is a stage, and the spirit realm is the backstage which is where we return when we die. We need to learn/remember who we are beneath all the costumes we develop in life. This shop was so nourishing for my soul and it even had a section about Lemuria. I identify strongly with the ancient civilisation of Lemuria, particularly because of my lifelong love of water. If you want to read more about Lemuria the best description I’ve read is available here. The dolphin is my spirit animal, and I “swim” through dimensions. My friend recommended a shaman who runs the store. His name is Tate and he was the person who first told my friend that she was a starseed. He offers counselling, art therapy or mediumship to support people going through grief, loss or major change. I didn’t want to see another professional, but I am thinking of seeing Tate. Apparently he also does soul retrievals, which can be helpful for people grieving a favourite person. It feels like our favourite person has run away with a part of us, and we are not the same. Sometimes this is because a part of ourselves has split off energetically. A soul retrieval helps to return that part to us so we can regain a sense of vitality and spirit. There is a great article about soul retrievals on Loner Wolf.

Another spiritual organisation I can recommend is Living Illumination. Many years ago I did a “My Angels and Me” consultation which I wrote about in my post, “I am not alone”. In this consultation we learn what our main gifts and languages are. Living Illumination also do “trance healing tables” where they remove souls that have attached themselves to us in past lives, making us feel the way they did. This, with the cleansing technique they teach us, help us to strip back what is not us.

While not spiritual, for those who have no idea who they are, a good starting point may be the VIA Character Strengths survey, or Myers Briggs.

Kenana Knitters-

I needed some softness in my life so have started buying soft toys. There are times, like last night, where I feel like a child. The lion and elephant I bought from Kenana Knitters have been of great comfort to me in these moments. They also very much appeal to my adult side. “Kenana Knitters” is a fair trade business in Kenya. All the animals are lovingly handmade by women and the profits go back to these women. They are a really wonderful organisation. For more information and a list of stockists, visit their website here.

Dreams-

Dreams hold so much healing power. Dreams often speak in symbols and, when decoded, we can better understand ourselves and get answers to the issues we face in our waking lives. In one dream I had recently, I was on what seemed to be a school bus being driven down a coastal road. We passed some of the most beautiful beaches I had ever seen. I wished we could have stopped, but the bus kept going. In the book “Understand Your Dreams”, Alice Parker says that water usually speaks to us about our feelings. The bigger the body of water, the more profound the feelings involved. Driving in dreams represent power. In my dream it is significant that I was not the one driving the vehicle. I have to ask myself, who is taking control of my life? And what good feelings am I missing out on by having someone else at the steering wheel? I believe the dream was about my favourite person and how much power I have given them over my own feelings. The dream also suggested that somehow my time at high school is relevant to all this. Maybe this is where I need to focus my healing.

Anger-

There is a place for anger when grieving the loss of a favourite person. As I wrote in my post here, anger is not a bad emotion. So often I place my case worker on a pedestal, but I need to remember that he has also treated me pretty badly lately.

Escapism-

When we feel so depressed we may lose all interest in these things, but things like Harry Potter, cosplay, fiction and gaming can give us a break from our reality.

Investing in emotionally available relationships-

The nature of the favourite person is we become so wrapped up in them we can’t see there are other people in our life who love us and have always been standing by our side. When I lost a favourite person in my early 20s, a kind officer found me crying on the train and spent a long time talking with me. He even gave me his number and said I could call him. Yet I could not see this wonderful opportunity which was in front of me as I was so hung up on my favourite person at the time who I now realise was not worth shedding a single tear over as she treated me like shit. I ended up losing that officer’s number. Not looking after that piece of paper is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Now, I am trying to remain grateful for the people I do have in my life, such as my parents who are fighting the discharge plan for me, and my friends who read my blog and check in with me. Some of us may need to focus less on our favourite person’s availability (well, lack of) to us, and more on our own availability to the people in our lives, something we CAN change. They say when we change on the inside, the outside world changes to reflect this.

Medication-

Losing a favourite person is extremely traumatic, and I believe that sometimes we need something to take the edge off the pain. It is cruel to leave someone in this much pain. There are things out there that can help with sleep and anxiety for instance, such as temazepam. I don’t know whether I should be recommending this, but I have been taking dexamphetamine this past week and I have been able to find some enjoyment even in the midst of the storm. Another drug which can help is actually naltrexone. My friend was prescribed it for her alcohol use, but she also stopped thinking about her favourite person so much and it curbed her cravings to reach out to him. There is an addictive quality to favourite people relationships, and it turns out it can be treated in the same way as other addictions, proof that there is a physical, neurobiological component to this.

“How To Let Your Favourite Person Go” article-

I found this article by Meghan James quite helpful. Meghan talks about our relationship with ourselves being the most important relationship we will ever have:

“I will admit it, I used to think that the self relationship wasn’t very important. But over the years, I have come to realize that it is one of the most important relationships. There is so much comfort and relief to be gained when you realize that you are the only person in your life who will never, ever, abandon you. Even the healthiest of relationships can end, for any reason. Humans are not immortal. But as long as you are alive, you will have yourself. Take comfort in that and know that developing a healthy relationship with yourself will be one of the greatest investments you can make.”

Spending time alone and also accepting help from others-

It is good to spend time alone and enjoy our own company. But something I hear in new age circles which really irks me is that we should heal all by ourselves and not rely on other people. This is a very Western, individualistic way of thinking and it ignores that we are social animals who are wired for connection. Relational trauma was done through relationships, and it heals through relationships. Mutual trust, empathy, safety, warmth, love, kindness and security in our relationships rewire the brain and start to re-write socially hurtful experiences, like bullying and abandonment.

Music-

Music is like medication. We need to find the right kind/dose for us. When we do, something turns inside of us and the healing that comes is powerful. I used to listen to sad songs all the time, but right now those songs just make me feel worse. I can’t stand to be in the supermarket while a sad song is playing. Instead I find Midnight Oil helpful. It is helping me connect with my old self, my activist self, and my fighting spirit when all I want is to kill myself. I have playlists for many different moods: party, spiritual, sad, depression, ambient, empower, angry, suicide, heartbreak. Don’t always be tempted to listen to songs which reflect how you feel (this is a whole skill in DBT called ‘Opposite Action’). ‘Best Of You‘ by Foo Fighters has so much energy to it and is great for taking back the power you hand over to your favourite person. ‘Wide Awake‘ by Katy Perry also reminds me of favourite person dynamics, the highs we get when we’re with them and the crashes when we’re apart. It has a great music video which seems to be about reconnecting with our inner child to feel complete, rather than relying on another person. ‘Just Like A Pill‘ by P!nk and ‘Toxic’ (I like the version by KIT-I) are about the addictive, unhealthy nature of these relationships. A sadder songs that has comforted me is ‘Breathe in Breathe Out‘ by Polly Scattergood.

Self-love vision board-

Some people find it helpful to create a board or alter with pictures of ourselves and qualities we have which we look at every day. This is to help us see we are just as good as our favourite person, and to re-direct all that love we have for them to ourselves. Another thing to foster self-love is to ask ourselves, ‘What would someone who loves themselves do?’

Writing and other creative outlets–

How many posts have I written lately about my goddamn case worker? One day I may collect them all and write a book, which would hopefully benefit not just me but other people going through this.