I am no longer screaming out loud but I am screaming on the inside. Why can’t anyone hear me? My dad’s phone rings and I hope it is someone calling because they’re concerned about me but it isn’t. No one is messaging me to ask how I am doing. Even if they do, however, I am impossible to console. There is only one person in the universe who can do that and he is gone.
I don’t enjoy anything. I just sit in front of the computer checking Facebook all day because I am addicted to it. I can’t even pass the time sleeping. I can’t sleep at night and am woken by the neighbour during the day. When I do sleep I dream of horrible things like war and torture.
I have tried countless antidepressants over the years and all they’ve done is left me even more damaged.
My friend has had a baby. While a new soul comes into the world, I plan my exit. I start shopping for the things I need to end my impoverished life here on planet earth. I don’t know if I will follow through with it, but I don’t know what else to do. The days are too hard to face. The pain, which is really just nature’s attempt to fill up the empty space, is too hard to bear. This is more than sadness. It is like a choked river; you want to cry but the tears don’t flow. It is like being gagged; you want to scream but there is something stopping you. It is the fear not of dying but of waking up alive; you have another day ahead of you with nothing to do and nothing you want to do. And it is the indescribable terror and grief which you feel watching a video like this. Maybe it is because it reminds you just how alone you are in the universe and how far away everyone you love are now. Or perhaps it is because you know you are standing on the edge of a cliff. You are standing on the edge of life and death, and you are not sure whether you’re going to fall, or fly.
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