Yesterday I had a meeting with my new case worker and a doctor. The meeting had originally been scheduled by Jordan, my old case worker, before they changed my case worker. I still have the appointment card with his name and the doctor’s name on it. It felt wrong that he was not there. He cannot be replaced by anyone. I miss him so much. The worst part is I don’t know if he had any say in all this or was expecting this. Only a few days before he was removed as my case worker, he said he’d talk to me soon. He told me to call him if I get manic or psychotic again. Now he’s not allowed to speak with me on the phone anymore.

I cried all through the meeting yesterday and all day. Apparently the decision came from the managers high up. I am told for privacy reasons they cannot tell me all the reasons why they came to this decision. I can probably accept it if Jordan thinks it’s best not to see each other anymore, but what I can’t accept is some third person bureaucrat who doesn’t even know me intervening and pulling apart what was a good relationship! That has happened to be before, when I was five. My friend’s mother spread some vicious slander about me that I sexually assaulted her daughter, which led to the school separating me from her daughter and other friends of mine as well. I was watched in the playground and when I went to play with them I was told to move away. I felt like a monster, and the trauma has been reactivated now that I’m being separated from Jordan.

I’ve been feeling so angry and hopeless I’ve started making preparations to end my life. I don’t know if I will follow through. I’m scared because suicide is not something you half do. Knowing me I will probably not be able to complete it, and I will be left with a lot of damage. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t stand this life.

Things go missing all the time. When I was in hospital my mum made me chai in her vintage Holly Hobbie thermos. When we were living in Tasmania a dear friend found it in an op shop and bought it for us. I loved that thermos, but now I can’t find it. I’ve turned Dad’s house upside down looking for it. I don’t know if I dissociate all the time and move things not knowing. But I find it so upsetting when I lose things, because I can’t deal with loss no matter how big or small. I tore apart my bedroom at my mum’s house looking for it too. I found an unpacked bag from when I was in hospital one time, but I think it was from a different admission. I have been in and out of hospital the last few months so much it is all a blur. I don’t put things away because I am running on empty all the time so my life and my surroundings are chaos. I lifted up the inflatable mattress I was sleeping on and found a plastic slip containing discharge papers and medication from a hospital stay years ago. That has been my life throughout my 20s… countless hospital admissions, countless medications, while other people my age establish careers and families. Mum is not too bothered that it is lost, and searched the internet for some other thermoses. But I haven’t been able to let go of this for days. I can’t deal with change, I need to find it or one exactly like it (there are some on Ebay but they are all in America and shipping is $45!) Maybe I need to stop hanging onto the old, and embrace the new. But as an autistic person (and someone who has had so much instability all my life), change is distressing. I need things to stay the same.

I just felt safe with my case worker, like I could deal with the awful things that happen to me as long as I had him. I still keep the plastic cup he filled with water and gave me when I was upset one time. I can’t get rid of these things because everything in me can’t say goodbye to him. I will not throw away his appointment cards either, even though they bring be great sadness. I just want to keep him close.