I was lying in bed watching some TV the other evening, thinking it’d be an escape from ruminating about my case worker. I watched Call The Midwife (series 11, episode 7). At the end of the show, there was a train crash. The following quote was then narrated:
“Sometimes the sky rips open, and the earth erupts beneath our feet. We stand if we can stand at all, exposed and vulnerable. Pathetic in our frailty. Bruised and bleeding. We are rendered merely human, never more fragile, never more at risk, never more in need of all the strength that we can find.”
It was like watching my life broadcasted before me. The sudden announcement that my case worker, who I love and have been working with for three years, has been changed was just like a train crash. It has left me crippled and traumatised and I don’t know when or if I will ever be ok. Suddenly, something hijacked my whole being. I suddenly got this feeling that I’m going to die, that I’m not going to make it, that this loss is absolutely unbearable. I started crying and shaking. It was like an awful panic attack or even a seizure except my symptoms were more emotional than physical. I pressed the button next to my bed to call a nurse. Two nurses came to my door shortly and found me like this. I could barely speak. I thought I was going to start screaming again. I had my eyes shut as if in a trance. The nurse kept asking me to look at her but I couldn’t. I had been transported into such a deep and scary part of my mind I could barely respond. I barely managed to take the pills they gave me. I was like a child who required assistance with the most basic of things. I am so grateful this happened while in hospital and for the care shown towards me. The nurse put a held my hand and this was able to comfort me even though I was losing feeling in my arms. Crying morphed into laughing and laughing into crying again. The nurse put a wet facecloth on my face as I was hot. I am embarrassed by how terrible I looked, my face pimply and red.
There have been a number of times strangers have shown kindness to me while in a crisis: when I was on the ground at the train station with excruciating pain, when I was catatonic outside my mental health clinic two months ago, when I had a breakdown in the chemist after I was discharged from hospital. There are angels without wings all around us. Unfortunately I lose my vision during these times (my vision is not good at the best of times) so I would not be able to recognise these people if I ever passed them again. I must always hang onto the love they showed me though, something I can feel even when I can’t see anything. These people are stars in my pitch black life, a reminder not to give up on this world just yet.
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