“Here I am this is me
What you get is what you see
Look around I am free
And there are no fears in me.”
Delta Goodrem, ‘Here I Am’
It was a beautiful late Autumn day which I spent at the park. After my walk, I wandered down to the lake. I stood facing the nearby path and oval with my back to the lake, letting the last of the light seep into my hungry body. It has been a while since I’ve tasted life without depression. Since I’ve been able to look up at the strangers who pass me by and smile without it feeling phony. Since I’ve wanted to have fun. How nice it would be to play a game of cricket, I thought as I gazed across the empty stretch of grass. How can I play? Who can I play with? When can I play? Will I still want to play tomorrow? These were the thoughts which flooded my mind as I stared, seemingly, into nowhere.
In that moment, two men walking a dog came down the path.
“Turn around and pretend you’re admiring the lake,” I caught myself thinking. “Take a sip from your drink bottle… just do SOMETHING, or else they’re going to think you’re WEIRD.”
The dreaded W word. A seething secret I waste my energy trying to hide instead of genuinely connecting. Fuck it, is what I decided this time. I was perfectly content the way I was. The world could do with a little weirdness anyway.
The men said hello as they passed, and I said hello back. Then, sure enough, one man turned around and asked me, “What are you doing just standing there?”
There were three answers I could have given him:
The honest answer, that I was thinking.
The crazy answer, that I was waiting for my invisible friend who arrives precisely at this location and this time.
Or the philosophical answer, “Do I have to be doing anything at all?”
We have become human doings, rather than human beings. May we find the courage to stray from the path. To be ok with simply BEING, and to be ok with BEING OURSELVES.